From Loneliness To Belonging

Chances are good that we have all experienced times of feeling lonely, yet we seldom find our way to having conversations about those times. Women’s friendships are noted for their ability to share what they are experiencing, but this is a topic that is much avoided. As I have been researching the topic of loneliness in preparation of offering a course designed to help us understand the experience more fully, I’ve discovered that many of us associate feelings of shame with feeling lonely.

What is it about loneliness that leads us to invite and allow such negative overtones to accompany the experience? Have we succumbed to the implicit messages contained in media images that lead us to believe that everyone but us is surrounded daily by people that love and cherish them? Have we never learned how to enjoy our own company? To be comfortable as well as relish having time to ourselves?

How often do we hear messages, especially around holidays, about the importance of spending time with family? If we don’t pause to question the accuracy of these images, we can easily overlook that most families experience disconnects and stress-filled relationships. I’m not trying to minimize the importance of healthy family relationships; instead, I’m merely pointing out that in any close relationship, there can be challenging times and circumstances to work our way through.

Current research on marriages in the U. S. indicates that 41% of first marriages end in divorce, with 50% of all marriages ending with separation or divorce. These numbers confirm that there are quite a few of us that are living on our own.

I don’t pretend to have all of the answers, but between my own experience of loneliness, the inner work I’ve done to better understand myself, and the research I’ve completed on this topic have gifted me with positive resources to utilize when experiencing loneliness.

We are by nature social beings, which means that we all enjoy and benefit from relationships that are nurturing. We want to feel happy and part of the pack. Without it fully registering, we are vulnerable to imagery that promotes beliefs that everyone else is experiencing connections and relationships that we  desire.

These internal comparisons that we make between our own life and the life of others lead us to draw erroneous conclusions. As a result, we end up making what is a natural phenomenon into an unpleasant experience. Think about it. When we experience hunger or thirst, we don’t feel ashamed. We simply note that we need something to eat or drink. When we experience tiredness, we are reminded that we need enough rest.

Feelings of loneliness are a natural part of life. These feelings just remind us that we are looking to connect with others. It is that simple, but we give into thoughts that exacerbate the feelings.

I’ve discovered that it is the unnecessary “add-ons” that I attach to my feelings that are not helpful. For example, are any of these statements reminiscent of things you say to yourself when you’re feeling lonely:

• I must  not be loveable since I don’t have a partner
• How come everyone else has family that is there for them?
• Where did I go wrong in my life that I find myself living alone?
• Why can’t I be like everyone else and be comfortable being part of a group?
• Nobody likes me; I should just stop trying to make friends
• I’m just not worthy of love
• I screw everything up
• Why can’t I be more like other people?

You get the idea; if we’re not paying attention, we sabotage ourselves.

The first steps to take  in gaining a more positive understanding of loneliness include: a) realizing that feelings of loneliness are a normal part of life, and b) avoid attaching destructive descriptions of your feelings.

Gaining a fuller understanding of how to make the most of feeling lonely includes many dimensions. I’ll be trying to address some of these parts in subsequent Blogs. Here’s a process that I find helpful. When I am experiencing feelings that touch on loneliness or loss, I have learned to let those feelings register BUT WITHOUT ATTACHING A JUDGMENT TO THEM.

Next, I try to refine the feelings in an effort to get closer to what is contributing to those feelings. Often this reflective experience sheds helpful insights that mitigate the sense of loss. This is where the complexity of analyzing our feelings comes into play. I have come to realize that as I grow in my own comfort of spending time alone, I am more at peace accepting that my evolving interests may not coincide with friends’ choices of how to spend time. What an awakening for me when I realized that in some situations, it is my choice to spend time alone.

I look forward to sharing what I am learning about the gifts of solitude. One of the best resources on solitude is a short book, Solitude: The Art of Living With Yourself by John Selby. Check your local library for a copy or you can find a copy on Amazon.

Here’s a quote worth pondering from the first chapter:  “Human beings require regular periods of solitude for the personality to fully mature. It is extremely important that we develop our relationship  with the solitary dimension of our lives, that we come to grips with the challenges of living alone with our own internal selves, and that we become our own best friend in life.”