09_01_2019
Meeting Conflict with Compassion
This past weekend I was invited to give the Sermon on the Sunday of Labor Day Weekend at the UU Parish of which I am a member. In recent years I have been invited to speak on this particular Sunday, and my remarks generally focus on the role of education as both a social justice issue as well as a pathway to provide us with the insights and tools to lead a more compassionate life.
In the midst of my remarks yesterday, I included an observation about my life which I’ll share here. As an aside, sometimes I pause to think about what can best be described as opposing paths in my life’s journey. I am engaged with the Buddhist path of trying to become more self-aware, desperately trying to develop a more compassionate understanding of those who hold different ideas and beliefs than I do. Here’s the paradox I live with: I’m constantly immersing myself in leadership roles in which I’m trying to get people to consider other ways of looking at things., and as a result, I am continually putting myself in positions whereby what I am asking of people can prompt sharp reactions and what appear to be conflicting positions. A friend reminded of an E.B. White quote that seems to frame my experience: “I get up every morning determined to both change the world and to exude compassion to all that I encounter; sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.”
I don’t fully understand where this strain in me originated. I am aware that for the longest time I have believed that one of the saddest and most regrettable aspects of one’s life would be to look back and realize all of the times one passed on living up to one’s human potential. We have been given so many gifts as human beings and it just seems so wasteful not to strive to use and develop those gifts.
Lest the above statements without some qualifications could lead to false impressions, I want to make clear that I usually focus on “giving my best” in issues that matter the most. When it comes to cleaning and such boring chores as dusting, I’m much more laid back. For example, my favorite saying about dusting is “I do it twice a year whether it’s needed or not!”
Just writing about this topic lead me to dig through my “memorabilia” trunk to find my high school yearbook. I wanted to read what the editors of our yearbook had written next to my graduation photo. The short blurb read: “Athletic in every way – always ready for another job – radiates energy and a real love for life – a followed leader, Our Cathy.”
I’ve read that it is others that often reflect back to one what you may not recognize about yourself. So for years I’ve been taking on projects, excited and enthused when I think we can improve what we’re doing, especially on issues that are important! But as I noted in my opening paragraphs, just giving voice to thoughts about how we might improve on what is currently being done can awaken conflict reactions in others.
Basically I abhor conflict. It upsets me, and it makes me feel out of balance. It disturbs my peaceful equilibrium, and I hate the fact that it is challenging to quiet the constant ruminations that occur in my mind about such conflicts. I have begun to learn through my meditation and related practices that instead of thinking as these moments as challenges, learn to think of them as opportunities to grow and to practice the new insights I am acquiring through my spiritual practices.
In listening to one of Chopra’s streaming meditations, he points out examples of how working our way through difficult relationships can also bring us gifts. One of his particular examples was especially helpful for what it taught me about conflict. He suggested that we think of a relationship with a difficult person and how that relationship may have encouraged us to set clearer and healthier boundaries.
That comment prompted me to begin reworking my associations and expectations of conflict. First, I have a tendency to think it’s my fault or shortcoming when there is conflict, or that there is something bad or wrong about being in conflict. I suspect that I harbor some unexplored expectations that all conflicts can be resolved and that I will or should find a way to like the individual with whom I’m experiencing conflict.
I have to keep working my way through this bundled mass of accumulated expectations. Here’s where I’m trying to stay grounded for now:
- Finding oneself in conflict with others is a natural part of being alive, particularly if one is authentically engaged with life
- It isn’t necessary to “like everyone;” however, a better aspiration is try to resolve conflicts in a compassionate way, without the expectation that you may end up agreeing with one another at the end of the process
- Take a step back from a conflicted experience, and see if by approaching the conflict with each person writing some clarifying statements about the values or beliefs s/he holds about the issue, see if it is possible to identify the basis of disagreements, and from there the parties can best decide if and where there is room for compromise.
One thing I’ve become more aware of as I try to live my grounding points is that it is much easier for me to engage in exploring pathways to conflict resolution when I see the other(s) involved in the conflict as reasonable people with qualities that I can admire and value. When I can do that, I find myself more able to enshroud the others with compassion, an overlay that helps guide my choice of approaches and words with more careful thought.
I am also working on an ongoing issue in my life which has to do with knowing when it is time to move on. If my mother was still alive, I would love to ask her if I was a child that kept her in labor for many hours as I find that I am slow to let go of situations and relationships which are no longer a good or healthy practice for me. As we grow, I suspect we need to let go of some aspects of our earlier lives.
