November 3, 2019
Encountering Dead Ends
Often I look for alternate routes when my regularly traveled paths are experiencing delays. Living in the Greater Boston area where things are not laid out in grids means that one can find oneself on a series of winding roads. I maintain – having grown up in the Midwest where roads are laid out in grids with the four major endpoints of the compass as guides – that in New England, 99% of the residents would have difficulty pointing to true North if asked!
As a result of my willingness to seek new routes, I occasionally find myself in a dead end. When that happens, the solution is simple: Turn around, go back the way I came, and register going forward that a particular road leads to nowhere.
Sometimes I don’t have to travel too far down a road to realize it is a dead end. Occasionally, a sign that says something along the lines of “NO OUTLET” provides a clear signal that pursuing this path is not going to lead to a successful outcome.
Oh, that such Road Signs were so clear and readily available to provide more guidance to us in our daily lives. Since wishing for this type of guidance is not likely to produce the results I desire, I have to be content with my remaining options.
Option #1 involves recognizing that it is not possible to foresee how the path of every endeavor and every relationship we enter is going to develop. This understanding leads me to believe that I have more hope from investing my energy elsewhere. Option #2 consists of paying more attention to the signals or signs as I am traveling on the journey. Good advice, but much harder to follow!
In relationships, it takes time to see how things develop, and whether blips along the way are simply one-offs or if they are more indicative of deeper issues. And there are multiple factors in relationships that make it challenging to understand what it is that makes them work. For example, it is common to form some tight relationships with those you work with closely on a day-to-day basis. The backdrop of the work setting and the tasks that need to be completed provide the context for relating. Think back to close working relationships you have had in your life, and then ask how many of them were able to flourish once the common backdrop of the workplace was removed? My guess is that the numbers dwindle quickly, and one is fortunate if one or two relationships continue into the future.
Knowing that each person is constantly changing should make it easier to comprehend that relationships are not static. As we each evolve, our development leads to new interests, newer relationships, and updated priorities and ways in which we choose to spend personal time. Have you experienced how your close relationships from when you were single and unattached change as one of you marries? Or not only marries, but then has children?
I find it somewhat easier to address issues of potential disconnects in my personal relationships that have deeper roots. “Deeper” for me usually involves having a history that includes a significant amount of continuous time spent together in a variety of circumstances. Relationships that allow for experiencing a wide range of emotions with the other person, including joy, happiness, sadness, disappointment, hurt, anger, etc. develop stronger roots. I value having fun with someone and being aware that I enjoy spending time together. Deeper relationships provide us with the confidence as well as the incentive to give voice to our feelings as necessary and as we wish in appropriate ways. In other words, we are each able to stay present in the relationship, and we are invested enough to take the steps to keep the relationship healthy.
If we were to draw a set of concentric circles, with the inner circle being reserved for our closest relationships, and then work our way outwards filling in the names of relationships that we continue to enjoy but on a less intimate basis, we would create a snapshot of how others fit into our life.
There’s no need to try to force any of our relationships into more intimate or closer circles as that usually does not work. There are definitely people in my life that I enjoy going out to dinner with or spending time visiting a museum. Part of avoiding a Dead End in relationships involves having a clear understanding of what the relationship can tolerate.
Sometimes there is just not enough in common to help the relationship grow, and eventually the relationship just seems to evaporate or fade away as neither party is invested enough to pursue it. One good indicator of a weakening relationship is when you experience difficulty in finding something to talk about. Instead, conversation falls back on the same old topics and shared experiences of many years ago.
Recognizing the potential of dead endings in work related endeavors is even trickier. Workplaces, if they are large, have frequent personnel changes, and like a solar system, the appearance of a new entity can disrupt previous relationships and patterns. This phenomenon is especially true in work settings that exhibit symptoms of dysfunction.
Given that our financial livelihoods are critical to our overall well-being, most of us don’t have the luxury of changing jobs once we encounter turbulence at work. In these settings, I think the key is trying to figure out if the turbulence will pass or is it likely to gain momentum.
In my professional roles when I was working at one institution versus my current work as a consultant to multiple institutions, I witnessed how my boss’s behavior shifted when s/he hired a new senior staff member. In cases where my boss was highly dysfunctional in one or multiple ways, the scales really got tipped when the boss hired someone who fed his/her more negative tendencies instead of trying to balance or counter them.
If the odds seem to be stacking up against your being able to thrive in a rapidly changing work environment, and while it is not easy to do, such signals or signs are warning you that you are headed for a dead end. It’s time to start turning around and looking for a new route.
I believe I’ve learned through experience both how to spot some warning signs, and the importance of paying attention to them. If you are concerned about whether a relationship you are in is going anywhere, try slowing things down a bit, allowing yourself to take a step back and see what you notice. If you find that you are not missing spending time with that person, that seems to suggest that the threads connecting you to that relationship are pretty worn and frayed. Rather than lose the relationship all together, maybe there are ways to spend less time together but to keep the connection.
By understanding the implications of the evolving nature of life, I am more able to accept and respond to changes whether it be a dead-end connection to my work or to a personal relationship without anger. Things change, so instead of being angry, I try to remind myself to enjoy the present and to not assume that my current situations will necessarily be ongoing.
In my work, whether it be paid or volunteer, I am drawn to situations where there is a desire to grow and expand or to take on a new challenge or project. I am excited about finding ways to face the challenges and to come up with innovative ways that lead to success. Once I sense that there is no interest in further growth, I start to lose interest and I begin the process of disconnecting.
I enjoyed Jim Collins’ book From Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…and Others Don’t. I was struck by his early comments in which he asserted that the reason that most companies never go from being good to being great is that THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED IN BEING GREAT.
So, I realize it’s my blessing and my curse that I am attracted to striving for excellence, but ever so slowly I’ve come to accept that not many people are so driven. That insight has made it easier for me to step away from situations in which mediocrity is good enough without being angry at folks who just want to coast.
I’m trying to be more careful about the situations I take on in which there is a stated desire to reach excellence. It helps if I at am at least clear with myself about what attracts me to a project, as well as what I need to stay fully engaged. Learning in this realm is slow, but hopefully I will continue to evolve as I develop a deeper self-awareness and compassion for both myself as well as others.
