05_09_2021
Mothers
I woke up this morning conscious that this was mother’s day. My mother has long since passed and thinking of her brought back memories of her and the role she played in my life. When my father left, she had no choice but to take on the role of being a single parent. During that time period, I don’t remember many of my friends being raised by just their mother unless their father had passed away.
I have come to appreciate what my mother accomplished as I got older and was able to understand how her upbringing as well as the culture of the times shaped how she viewed parenting. Parenting for those with limited financial resources seemed to be more about providing food and shelter. My mother’s overly strong identification with Catholicism also included a heavy emphasis on children acquiring a conscience along with a clear sense of right or wrong.
My mother wasn’t opposed to girls getting an education, but she believed that girls were to get married and raise children of their own. She expected me to live at home and care for her until I got married. She didn’t seem to grasp that her children might have desires of their own on how they wanted to live their lives.
With time, I came to appreciate that my mother gave me what she was able to. She never talked about her own childhood, and I didn’t think to ask about other parts of her life. I believe that my mother was both angry and depressed about how her adult life turned out. I do wonder if therapy had been as available in the years that she was actively parenting, would that helped her become a happier person?
As I came to understand more about the demands made on women, I became more conscious about the gifts that she did give me and chose to not focus on what I didn’t get from her. Fortunately, even though I didn’t think of them as such, I found other “mothers” throughout my life. I was able to spend time with my grandmother, and she was more available emotionally. She had a zest for life, and even though once she quit working she had even less money, she always found ways to create a pleasant home environment.
One of our favorite outings included walking to a nearby charity shop which sold many household items, clothing, trinkets, etc. Often she would go looking for things to decorate her apartment to reflect the changing seasons. We could leave with two full bags of new “goodies” having spent less than a couple of dollars.
Her modeling the ability to make the most of your circumstances blessed me with a sense that I had a choice on the outlook that I chose to adopt. She also loved to tell stories of her childhood, and when she laughed and smiled, her body reflected the depth of those feelings.
I also have vivid memories of two neighbors who welcomed me readily into their homes. Neither of these women had children, but their homes were often filled with people who came to visit, so there was always a sense of enjoying the company of others when I was in their homes. One of the women opened her home to neighborhood children on Sunday mornings. We all descended on her to enjoy reading the comics in the Sunday newspaper, something we didn’t get in our homes.
These visits often included breakfast that consisted of toasted bacon sandwiches, again, something that we didn’t get within our own homes. But perhaps the most significant parts of these visits were not realized until I got older. The “regular” adults in these settings took an interest in the children and would often talk with us in a way that made me feel like they had a genuine interest in me. There was a sense of calm and peace within their homes.
My next-door neighbor lived alone and worked as the business manager of a large department store. She frequently invited me to help her clean. While that probably doesn’t sound overly exciting, cleaning to her meant that we would spend an afternoon going through one of her closets or drawers in an effort to better organize her collections of goods.
As we sorted her jewelry drawers, she would let me try on some of it, and this activity would lead to her sharing the stories that were behind each piece. Through these conversations, and even though I didn’t realize it at the time, she was opening my eyes to ways of living that included joy, relationships, creativity, and possibilities about a future beyond how I was living at the time.
When I went away to college, I worked on and off campus. My on-campus job landed me in the office of the head of the math department. Dr. Brown headed the college’s Continuing Education department, and after having me in class as a student, he invited me to apply for the student assistant position in his office. I loved going to work each day after my classes were over. His secretary, an older woman, more or less adopted me.
She made sure that we took a short break each day, and she would check in to see how I was doing. She took an interest in the courses I was taking and what I was learning. She frequently invited me to her home for Sunday dinner. She consoled me when my first serious romantic relationship came to an end, continuing to reassure me that things would get better.
As I moved into my professional career, I met older women who mentored and mothered me in a host of different areas. When I first realized that I identified with the insights of feminists, I discovered wonderful women who could talk first-hand about why it was important for women to have the freedom and space within their lives to develop to their fullest.
I have tried multiple times to find the woman author who first introduced me to the notion that “women have to become their own mothers.” I found it a strange saying at first, but then I quickly came to realize the truth of the statement. I had begun to realize that my expectations that my mother should have been all things to me were unrealistic.
We have to learn how to nurture ourselves and stop burdening others with the expectation that they need to meet all of our needs. I recently read that when we find ourselves blaming someone for disappointing us, we would be better served to realize that behind blame lurks an unmet need. If we can figure out the nature of our unmet need, we can then explore how we can nurture that need.
Today as I offer up gratitude for the “mothering” that I have been gifted with, I appreciate all that these women have given me in my life. I am hopeful that I am carrying this tradition forward as I try to offer nurturing to others.
