Deepening Our Conversations
08_02_2021
Deepening Our Conversations
Recently I have been exploring resources on how we might find ways to deepen our conversations. One of the first things I was asked when I shared my interest in this topic was something along the lines of, “Does this include conversations with ourselves?” I hadn’t anticipated that question, but I answered in the affirmative.
Let me begin by reviewing what grabbed my attention about his topic. I think the limitations on how we could safely interact in the Pandemic as well as the restrictions on our ability to interact with others in person led me to paying more attention to the quality of my conversations. What I began to notice at the end of many conversations was that I didn’t come away feeling like we had entered into deeper levels of sharing.
We all hear frequent references to the shared feelings many of us experienced over the last eighteen months about feeling lonely and alone. I understand the significance of these feelings, and I, too, experienced them. But the strange aspect of this realization is that I experienced these feelings mostly with the people that I have known the longest. Of course, there are some exceptions.
I am blessed with a few friends who enjoy sharing parts of themselves in ways that allow us to connect and share more of what is going on in our lives. Not surprisingly, these few friends also make time in their lives to relax and attend to their own development. I would describe them as peaceful souls who know how to listen well. They work at mastering “the art of conversation.”
You can google that phrase and you’ll find many books written about the topic. I am intrigued as well as captivated by the writings of David Whyte, and Irish poet. He’s hard to label beyond describing him as a poet, but words that come to mind to describe him include attentive, mindful, present, and engaged. He is drawn to immersing himself in the moment with the intention of absorbing his experiences and what gifts and lessons they might bless us with.
Whyte has some interesting approaches to deepening our conversations, but before we get to that part of this writing, I think it is helpful for readers to ponder their answers to several questions first:
- What qualifies as a “deep conversation” to you?
- After you have participated in a deep conversation, how do you feel afterwards?
- Are you able to observe some necessary prerequisites for moving to deeper conversations?
For some people, a sense of a deeper conversation with others might include learning something new of interest to you. You may feel like you got to know a little more about someone as well as maybe sharing something new about yourself. You may feel uplifted by insights you gained from learning that others share some of the same anxieties or struggles that you do.
I know that conversations that go below the surface of our fast-paced lives leave me feeling much more connected. I think they are a great balance to those feelings of aloneness that can work their way into our psyches at times. I feel like someone has gotten to know more about me and I’ve learned more about them, hence an increased connection.
One thing that the Pandemic has brought to my attention is some of the necessities that allow us to move into deeper levels of sharing. I gained these new learnings as a result of re-entering situations that allow one-on-one, in-person conversations as the rules on social distancing relaxed. The first time I met a friend who is a good conversationalist and whose company I enjoy for a picnic lunch outdoors, we talked non-stop for two hours. By the time I returned home, I realized I was exhausted. A teachable moment!
Good conversations take energy and attention. In order to call on these qualities, we have to be well-rested and have had the chance to give thought to some of what we hope to share with those we will be meeting. Reaching the place where it is possible to have deeper levels conversation takes time. Trust needs to be in place that you won’t be judged in harsh ways is key. Keep in mind that as we listen, our egos and the need to compare ourselves with others is going to lead to initial private thoughts in which we find ourselves making judgments about those we’re listening to. Being aware that these initial thoughts are likely to surface allows us to notice them, giving us the chance to explore them and find ways to allow our compassion to diffuse them.
Nobody wants to open up and share parts of themselves to hear that someone listening to them takes issue with their experience. Just a reminder that we need to attend to how we respond, if we can’t get to a place where our response is non-judgmental, then silence in the moment is the optimal solution.
It’s time to explore some of the wisdom teachings offered by David Whyte. His first step in the path of moving to deepening our conversations seems almost contradictory: Stopping the Conversation.
Keep in mind that poets seldom if ever lead us with a more sequential “how to” approach. Instead, recognizing the multi-dimensions of being human, I like to imagine them circling around issues, giving us a viewpoint to consider that has many facets to it. As I listened to Whyte circle around this first step of Stopping the Conversation, here’s my take on what I think he is asking us to consider.
Take note of how we start conversations as our openings may be sending a signal that we’re not interested in going below the surface. If my opening line to a friend that calls is to ask her, “What did you have for lunch?” or something along those lines, that pretty much shuts down the possibilities of topics to explore. I think Whyte’s message is also encouraging us to become impatient with automatic answers and explanations.
A friend asked me recently if I was having difficulty completing the last chapter of a book I am about to complete, and I quickly said “No.” I realized from the way she asked the question, she was really asking if I was experiencing difficulty letting go of my work on this particular topic. Her question encouraged me to investigate more deeply what my feelings might be, and I circled back with her later to thank her for her question and what I discovered as I took the time to explore my feelings.
When I was discussing this topic with a group of friends that are part of the ongoing work we’re doing together to Write Our Own Narratives to support our Becoming Who We Are Capable of Being, one of the women in the group asked if she could start with a general comment. She shared that she leaves most memorial services for people she has known with the same feelings of regret. She expressed these feelings well – “Why didn’t I spend more time getting to know that person? What a wonderful human being and I knew so little about their lives.”
The work of deeper conversations offers solid rewards. We end up feeling more connected, less alone, and I believe we become more comfortable with our own humanness. To be continued as we explore more of Whyte’s teachings on this topic.
Namaste.