10_04_2019

Sharing a Humorous Approach to Coping with Our Anxieties

  No matter our age, we probably all have moments where we have to contend with our anxieties.  Sometimes our anxieties may surface with good reason, but other times they reflect long-standing patterns of how we react in certain situations.

Recently I came across a humorous approach to simultaneously recognizing while disarming the source of our anxiety.  I found this “pearl” in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.  I have adapted her original quote a bit, but here is its essence:

 “Dearest Fear:  Fear of Failure – as an example – (you fill in your own blank here) and I are about to go on a road trip together.  I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do.  I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously.  Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I am about to do something interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So, by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must.  But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused.  And My Task will be doing its job, which is to remain focused on the project, vision or goal I am undertaking.  I want you to know that there is plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this:  My Project and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way.  I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed.  You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote.  You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature.  Dude, you’re not even allowed to fiddle with the radio or change the music!  But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.

Then we head off together – me and My Project and fear – side by side by side forever, advancing once more into the terrifying but marvelous terrain of discovery and unknown outcomes.

 Because I love both problem-solving in many forms as well as creating, I often find myself taking on projects that involve or offer the opportunity to create solutions and/or new pathways and explorations.  Sometimes I experience a wave of initial anxiety as I’m trying to “see” a pathway forward, but I’ve learned that once I’ve done the preliminary research and collected a foundation consisting of essential information needed to understand a particular situation, I can usually work my way toward possible pathways when I sit down to write.

My more predominant anxieties surface when I am approaching the implementation stage which usually involves bringing other people into the project while undertaking the tasks and goals outlined in the project.  My inner voice begins to broadcast its consistent message which goes something like this:  Are you sure you can pull this off?  Have you given enough thought to whether you have the skills and qualifications to be doing this? And so on….

 The first step in managing our anxieties with some easily accessible tools is to label and recognize them for what they are.  My messages come from my mother’s limiting comments that surfaced anytime I pursued or was interested in something which she felt was “above my pay raise,” meaning that she didn’t believe I had the knowledge, skills, or right to think I could pursue what I was interested in.

The first time I experienced my persistent reaction to new adventures was as I was preparing to start a new job as a math teacher in a high school setting immediately after graduating from college with a baccalaureate degree.  I worked on my lesson plans over the summer, and I can remember climbing the steps to my third-floor classroom while my inner demons were singing a choral refrain of “You’re not prepared or ready to do this.”

Because I had signed a teaching contract, and I needed to support myself, I pushed beyond these inner detractors.  One thing that helped was to remind myself that I had earned over 60 credits in math having pursued a double major in the subject.  And as further evidence of my doubting of my abilities, for the first month or two, I worked every homework problem I assigned just to make sure I knew how to solve it.

What a relief – more like a revelation – when I realized after a couple of months that I had actually leaned something in college, and I stopped doing the assigned homework.  I had learned that I could think on my feet and that I had acquired a deep level of understanding of mathematics.

I’ve developed my own version of Gilbert’s calming yet compassionate words to quiet my anxieties.  My conversation goes something like this:

“Okay, you little darlings. I see that you have woken up from your naps in a very chatty mood.  As you know, I consider you as part of my family since you have been so loyal in accompanying me on my life’s journey.  As loving members of the family, I accept that you are just looking out for me to make sure that I am safe.  I listen to you with the same frame of mind I listen with when a friend reminds me to take my hat and gloves or my umbrella.  I know that you just want me to be prepared. 

 Since it has been awhile since we last spoke, let me remind you of our agreed upon ground rules.  First, once I acknowledge to you that I have heard your concerns, it isn’t necessary for you to keep repeating them.  Second, once I remind you of why I think I’m not in any danger, I expect you to listen and to take a few deep breaths so that you can slow down your heart rates enabling you to better hear me.

 Remember the examples I’ve shared with you in the past, specifically those that cite specific references to the coping strategies I’ve developed over time that allow me to assess how I am doing when I undertake a new project.  I know how to ask for feedback, and if I feel like I need additional assistance, I know how to ask for help.  I spend time preparing for meetings and next steps so that I allow myself the time needed for anticipating possible outcomes and how to best manage those.

 Rest assured, I’m not cavalier about what might be involved in undertaking a new project.  And if worse comes to worse, I am willing to spend the time to do what I need to do to get me to safer ground. 

 Finally, I appreciate that you care enough about me to extend your efforts to keep me safe.

 Have fun creating your own conversations with those little inner voices – some call them inner critics – that live in the hallways of our hearts and souls!