04_21_2020

How are Honesty and Hope Intertwined?

I was stumped by this question as I continued my reading of Diane Eshin Rizzetto’s book, Deep Hope: Zen Guidance for Staying Steadfast When the World Seems Hopeless.  In my previous Blog, I introduced the concept of Paramitas that form the essence of this book.  Paramitas are defined by some as “perfection.”  In Buddhist works, a Paramita is described as “a noble character quality generally associated with enlightened beings.”

The 2^nd Paramita involves taking “Skillful Action,” but the first action step to fulfilling this Paramita is a statement about truth-telling:  I take up the way of speaking truthfully. Initially I couldn’t make any connection between speaking truthfully and taking skillful action.  I decided to take my cue from the author who recommended just pondering any questions that arose for readers, and to avoid just racing through the chapter.

Gradually, the light began to dawn.  Recently I have been the brunt of implied criticism and anger from a friend I’ve known for more than twenty years.  Mostly, after the first year, it has been a relationship of distance, supplemented by her annual visit to my home for a 2-3 day stay.   As I began to experience what I perceived as her judgment of choices I’ve made -such as how I dress, what I choose to read, how I spend my time – I had some sense that the friendship was going off the rails.  I’ve also experienced her sudden and unexpected outbursts of anger that I couldn’t link to anything I had done.

By the time our visits ended, and she headed home, I was very relieved to have her gone.  But I got stuck in my ability to address what I was experiencing. Basically, I blamed myself for things not going well.  I felt if I just had more patience with her, made more effort to find something to talk about beyond “filler talk,” our relationship would get better.  I avoided getting in touch with my anger over her judgmental attitude.  As I result, I didn’t open up with her about my frustrations until very late in the relationship.  I invited her to share what was bothering her about the relationship.  Unfortunately, she refused to give voice to what was behind her anger and criticism.

Because I wasn’t being honest with myself and therefore not with her, I think the relationship is now one of history.  I might have lasted longer if I didn’t feel her anger and criticism, but I finally had enough.  Recognizing that I was angry with her also allowed me to acknowledge the ways in which the relationship was no longer working for me.  I thought about other friends I have, reflecting on our relationships with an eye to better understanding why they worked and have lasted for many years.

Strong friendships are nurtured by each person having an active life of one’s own so that there is a lot to share with one another.  My other feeling about the relationship under discussion is that I began to feel like I was being stalked.  I felt that this person wanted to find her way into multiple parts of my life so that she would have something to talk about with others.

I may be overanalyzing this relationship.   Given that we are all constantly changing in some ways, it makes sense to me that relationships may just run out of the energy or interests that fuel the connections.  I did invite her to share what wasn’t working for her in the relationship, but she wouldn’t open up and share.  At that point, I didn’t feel like there was any more I could do. I finally reached a place where I am able to walk away from the relationship, acknowledging the positive aspects that have been part of it.

But I’ve learned something from this experience.  I need to pay more attention to my feelings when they arise.  While it isn’t easy in a relationship to raise issues that might cause discomfort, it is more damaging to the relationship to avoid addressing issues in a constructive way.

I am seeing other ways in which “taking up the way of speaking truthfully” permeates our lives.  In an unrelated setting, the Small Group Ministry I facilitate as part of my service to my UU Parish, we recently devoted time to discussing the topic, “How Can I Help?”  The topic is connected to this month’s theme – Web of Life.

In the midst of Covid-19, when we’re all witnessing the losses and hardships that many are experiencing,  it seemed like a good time to talk about the complexities that will surround our efforts to be helpful as we reach the next stage of the virus impact.   Our Small Group had a very thoughtful discussion, and we all agreed that we don’t really have well-developed skills in helping others.  We find ourselves saying to those who we think might be in need, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.”

But as our readings and discussions revealed, when one is in the throes of pain or loss, one is often too overwhelmed to even know what might be helpful.  Instead, we concluded that one of the best things each of us can do is to offer some ways in which we might be helpful.

But to do this, one has to have an honest appraisal about one’s gifts, what one is comfortable doing, and to some degree, what one enjoys doing.  Getting to this level of honesty means that we need a good dose of self-awareness as well as a healthy acceptance of our own limitations.  I’ll share some examples in the hopes that specifics help bring the abstract into better focus.

In terms of my own gifts that I am comfortable offering, I enjoy cooking both for myself and others, and I have been told often enough that I’m a good listener that I accept that there is some truth to that observation.  As I choose to share these gifts, I have called or emailed someone in distress, offering several dates in which I would like to invite them for dinner.  I also asked for the names of others that they would like to join us.  If I am in the middle of lot of other commitments or obligations, I recognize my time constraints and suggest instead that we go to lunch – my treat.

As we get to the other side of the immediate threats of this virus, there will be many ways in which we can offer to help.  I think it is a good time for us all to start thinking how we can offer our gifts to help those who have been particularly impacted by this experience.

On another level of helping, it is clear that our growing economic divide has resulted in a disproportionate number of people in communities of color as well as people with limited financial resources suffering the greatest impacts from this virus.  Part of how we can help is to find ways in which we can use our gifts to push toward a more just society that looks to care for all of us, and not just those with resources.

I am finding that once I have become more aware of the importance of “taking up the way of speaking truthfully,” the art of this practice works its way into one’s natural way of processing information.  In other words, being aware of speaking truthfully works its way into our second nature.