02_07_2021

Reflecting on Our Evolution as Women

                Recently I had an occasion to reflect on my evolution as a woman.  The impetus for such reflection stems from trying to connect periods of growth or evolving with different learning opportunities in my earlier years.  I am fortunate to have a number of women’s groups that I meet with regularly, and even though we’ve been meeting via Zoom for almost a year now, we have still been able to sustain and deepen our connections.

                One of the eye-opening revelations during such reflection is appreciating how little we all knew and understood about ourselves as we entered our young adulthoods.  Leading my list of areas where I was clearly clueless the concept of relating to men.  I was raised from an early age by a single mother and shared our home with my two brothers.  Ninety percent of my cousins were boys, and while there were times we could have fun playing together, they weren’t relational in the sense that I was able to have meaningful conversations with them.  They could also be quite annoying.

                I attended an all-girls high school, an environment that allowed me to form lasting friendship with others in my class.  That experience offered me my first chance to begin to form deeper connections with others.  Perhaps my grandmother planted the seed about the value of female friendships as I watched her come alive as she relayed stories to me about her friends when she was of high school age. 

                I had no romantic relationships before  I went to college, and truth be told, I don’t remember missing or longing for them.  My high school classmates and I didn’t actually talk much about our futures, and within my group of friends, we didn’t discuss getting married.

                My first boyfriend was someone I met in one of my college classes in my junior year.  I was so caught up with studying and I was working full time as well, so I didn’t have a lot of time to fixate on having a boyfriend.  That relationship ended before I graduated, and it wasn’t until I started teaching that I began to register messages about what was expected of a woman if she were to be successful in attracting a man.

                I’m not certain how I absorbed all of the messages about women’s place in the world, but I am clear that some of the messages managed to get into my psyche without my questioning them.  I think the experience of spending four years in an all-girls high school in which we were challenged to learn and excel protected me in some ways.  I certainly wasn’t handicapped by the notion that I wasn’t supposed to appear smarter than men.

                I’ve mentioned earlier that I was a math major as an undergraduate, and I never once had a female math instructor in four years of study, and it wasn’t unusual that I was often the only female in my math classes.  Looking back, it’s clear that at that stage of my life I wasn’t particularly gender conscious.

                I was, however, undefended when it came to the bombardment of messages about women’s body type and other physical features.  I had no sense of whether or not I was attractive.  As I started getting feedback from men that some found me attractive, I remember enjoying that.  But at the same time, I had enough awareness to know that the physical attractiveness that was rewarded with attention would fade as one aged.  I knew I wanted something deeper to define my attractiveness.

                I was also clueless about my role as a partner when I married.  I had a strong desire to create a warm and welcoming home, in part because that experience was missing in my childhood home.  For the first five years of my marriage, I assumed the primary role of keeping our home together while working full time and completing my doctorate degree.

                Once my formal education was complete, I had more time to read and welcomed the opportunity to talk with women friends.  We were beginning to wake up to the price we were paying for assuming roles that required us doing the lion’s share of work in the relationship.  We had little time to pursue our own interests and development outside of our role in the marriage.

                My journey of becoming the woman I am today included a lot of “wandering in the dessert” as I found my way onto a path that has allowed me to tap into my gifts and pursue a life in which I feel that I am still evolving.  After my divorce, I knew that I needed to do a lot of personal work to figure out what I wanted out of life before I even thought about dating again.

                I figured out that if I was going to meet someone that I was interested in partnering with, it would happen as I lived my life.   A few of those opportunities have presented themselves, but when I looked at what I would have to give up to be part of that partnership, I realized I wasn’t that interested.

                I was encouraged from reading Rebecca Traister’s book, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation.  Her research reveals that more and more women are choosing lifestyles that do not include marrying or they marry at a much later age.  To be clear, I am not against marriage.  I have a few friends that are partnered with men that have evolved and are able to relish a relationship with a woman that continues to evolve.  I have also seen similar examples in same sex marriages for both men and women.

                I am grateful for the period of time in which I am living.  It has allowed me to continue to evolve and experience the freedom to pursue my interests and relationships.  Looking back, I realize now that I entered the marriage relationship with no boundaries regarding my needs to continue to evolve. 

                I am hopeful as I witness efforts that are providing young children with healthier role models that allow for evolving into more fully developed adults.  Let’s take a moment to appreciate the journeys we’ve traveled, and that we’ve come out the other side having experienced the pain of growing but aware of the blessings that our evolving has bestowed upon us.  As I was going through my divorce, I thought of the break-up of my marriage as a failing on my part.  I can now look at the divorce as the result of inner strength that was moving me toward living a fuller life.  I am able to forgive myself as I understand that my earlier life experiences didn’t include access to insights that would have yielded greater knowledge of my own needs and desires.