11_14_2021

ALONE

                I recently picked up David Whyte’s book, Consolations: The Solace, Nourishment, and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words. I have had the book for some time, but like many of its kind, I leave these potential resources in view around my home. When I am ready to do a deeper dive into a resource – meaning that I’m ready to commit time to exploring it – I go on a search to find one of these treasures that feels right in this moment.

                This resource explores over fifty words that we frequently hear in our daily lives. “Alone” is a great word to begin with. Think of all the ways that we use the word in our life. Sometimes our use of it suggests that we associate positive feelings with, as in statements like, “I just need some time alone.”  “I’m looking forward to a quiet weekend when I can relax and slow down;”  the word ‘quiet’ implies that you will have time to yourself.

                The word can also be part of a statement serving as a way of establishing your boundaries:  “Why can’t you just leave me alone!” This was one of my favorite phrases that I repeated to my brothers and male cousins when we were younger as I tired of their constant teasing or interfering with how I wanted to spend my time.

                And, at one time or another, most of us have used the word in time of despair:  “I feel all alone.”  Along the same lines, it takes discipline and persistence to learn how to become comfortable spending time alone.

                I don’t recall having any heavy concerns about being alone when I was growing up. There were five of us living in a small house, so finding a way to have time to oneself was a luxury. One of my strategies was to be the last one to go to bed as a way of claiming time in a day where I didn’t have to share space with someone else.

                As we age, I think the concept of being alone requires additional exploration if we are to become comfortable being alone. Actually, being comfortable suggests that the best we can do is to learn to tolerate time alone. I’ve learned to move well beyond toleration; I’ve come to enjoy and look forward to spending time alone.

                But it takes practice. Whyte asserts that “being alone is a difficult discipline: a beautiful and difficult sense of being solitary is always the ground from which we step into a contemplative intimacy with the unknown, the first portal of aloneness is often experienced as a gateway to alienation, grief, and abandonment.” 

                Whyte’s poetic talents are easily identified in his choice of words. His phrase “the first portal of aloneness” is helpful in understanding that getting comfortable with being alone is process, or progression of experiences.

                I think my most challenging times of reclaiming the benefits of spending time alone occurred following my divorce. The divorce process is one of separation, and there is definitely an immediate sense of loss. Even if time with a spouse is not a rewarding one, at least there is someone else around, or so we tell ourselves.

                I’ve witnessed situations in which people choose to place themselves in settings or stay in relationships that are not healthy or rewarding because the concept of not having others around is simply too scary to imagine.

                I agree with Whyte’s description of experiencing being alone; I did experience the first portal as a gateway to grief and abandonment. It took me time sitting with those feelings and to slowly explore why I was attaching those feelings with the experience of being on my own. I slowly began exploring strategies that helped mitigate those negative feelings of being abandoned. My initial steps into the next portal involved simple strategies like turning on the TV or putting on pleasant music.

                By happenstance I figured out that running errands like grocery shopping that put me in touch with others was more than enough to remind me that I was connected with others.

                I knew that I was redefining my relationship with being alone when I realized that living on my own freed me to explore how I wanted to live my life. I no longer had to avoid inviting friends over to dinner as it made my husband uncomfortable to spend time with my women friends. I started exploring different interests, taking short courses, traveling. It was so freeing not to have to defend my choices or to have them cast as somehow oppositional to my relationship with a spouse.

                Whyte is correct that “being alone is a difficult discipline.”  It is difficult because there can be unexpected places where you may or may not plan for or anticipate that being alone through an experience is going to feel especially challenging. I have a small extended family, all of whom are scattered across the country. I’ve learned that making the effort to travel to spend time with them over holidays is not a wise choice.

                I can remember the first time I spent Christmas day alone. Fortunately, I made that decision as I turned down invitations to join other families for one reason or another. I simply had a gut feeling that I would be better off left to my own planning. I had trepidations going into the day, but I had planned well, had lots of good books to read, and had planned a nice dinner for myself.

                As I reached the end of the day and realized that I had actually enjoyed the day, it was a great learning experience to realize that we often create more work for ourselves by preloading negative feelings to future experiences.

                One thing is for certain. As we age, we are going to find ourselves spending more time alone. Finding ways to enjoy that time and to learn ways to use it well are in our best interests. Spending time alone has definitely helped me be more present when I am spending time with friends or family.

                Whyte remind us that “to be alone for any length of time is to shed an outer skin. The body is inhabited in a different way when we are alone…We begin to listen to our inner selves more carefully in the silence.” 

                Being alone offers us the opportunity to be reflective, to remain connected to our truer selves, and to live in more mindful, deliberate ways. The best part, I think, is that time alone really prepares us to engage in deeper, more meaningful ways with those in our lives that are important to us.