​11_06_2021

Coping with Uninvited Guests

            If we think of our existence – our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our general well-being as our home, the image allows us to picture a structure with a front door. Guests in our homes enter through that portal. While most guests visit us in response to an invitation to enter, our metaphysical existence doesn’t protect us with a similar regimented set of protocols.

            While some of us may live in communities where it isn’t unusual for visitors to just drop by unannounced, I find that to be a rare practice. I suspect that we view our homes as our places of refuge, and to allow space for us to experience our greatest levels of comfort, we typically give notice before we knock on someone’s door if we expect to come in for a visit.

            But our metaphysical experiences – ones that exist outside of our physicality –allow for uninvited guests arriving at all hours of the day and night. There is no front door that requires one to seek permission to enter. Metaphysical may not be the best word for these types of guests, but it is the best I can find. I include such guests as feelings, thoughts, inklings, memories, and any other uninvited guest who has the ability to disturb our psyche sense of balance and peace.

            My wording and descriptions of the experiences I’m getting at may feel a little distant, but I know that we all live with the appearance of these uninvited guests daily. Picture yourself waking up to welcoming sunshine and a pleasant day ahead of you. When checking your morning email with a favorite cup of coffee, you read an email from someone that upsets your equilibrium. It may be the words in the email, the tone of the message, or a reference made by the sender that just gets you going.

            Or it could be an experience that you clearly find more confrontational. Most spiritual traditions teach us that we cannot control the behaviors of others. Our efforts are best centered on how we manage our own reactions. These words of wisdom are good guides as to where to put our energies, but it would help to have tools to help us when we’re struggling to maintain our own reactions.

            Think of these uninvited guests that can easily disturb our equilibrium as buried roots that are easy to trip over as we’re walking in the woods. When we trip, we are at risk for losing our balance, and it would be nice to have handrails nearby to help us regain our stability as we journey forward.

            I have yet to find a solution that is full proof, but I have discovered aids that can serve as metaphorical walking sticks. The place to begin is to let yourself observe when these experiences are occurring. I pay attention to patterns in which I feel like someone, or something has hijacked my thoughts or emotions. I know that a force other than me is behind the wheel when my initial efforts to move away from disturbing thoughts or feelings encounters an opponent unwilling to let go.

            Once I realize both physically and emotionally that an uninvited guest has entered my existence, I now am in a position to draw on past experiences to help me weather this invasion. I often move from what I’m trying to do at that moment and move to an activity that requires physical activity. For me there is something about engaging in physical work that has a way of re-focusing me. Going for a walk is a great antidote; vacuuming works as well. Often my home’s cleanliness is the direct result of my countermeasure to uninvited intrusions in my life.

            As noted in an earlier Blog, I also step back to far enough to try and pinpoint more specific coordinates of the painful emotions I am experiencing. Are my feelings hurt, for example, and if so, why I am I letting someone’s words or actions cause me pain? Can I find another way of looking at a situation that allows me to rewrite the script so that I am not a victim here?

            One of my most vulnerable ways of feeling hurt is when someone is trying to write a narrative or story about who I am. When you catch on to this attempt, and with practice, you can claim your own story of your life. We rely on stories to reflect dimensions of our lives, so being the author of your own story is not something you want to give away easily.

            Finally, in deeply spiritual traditions, we are encouraged to welcome all guests – including the uninvited, unpleasant ones who manage to get into our homes. The first time I read Rumi’s poem, The Guest House, I knew it was loaded with wise insights. Those insights take time to unpack and put into practice, but every now and then I realize I’m making progress. Let’s take a moment and read his poem.

The Guest House

​This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

​A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

​Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

​The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

​Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By Rumi

                In one of my meditation workshops, the instructor suggested that when an unwanted guest, especially an unpleasant one, shows up at our door, we can ask ourselves questions like, “What can I learn from this person?”  “What is this person here to teach me?”

                Recently I was able to call upon this approach and come away with an insight that I feel will be helpful to me in the future. This difficult individual was behaving in such a way that it was easy to see that the speaker was so focused on the minutiae s/he missed the big picture The lesson was an excellent reminder to me to keep an eye on what are the most important aspects of proposals or considerations.

                I have accepted that I am not going to keep out uninvited guests, but I am learning that I can find ways to escort them to “waiting rooms” while I figure out how to disarm their control over me.

                My centering thought for the day is to remind ourselves that we have choices on how to continue learning from our life’s experiences while simultaneously responding to the behaviors of unwelcome guests.