08_11_2021

Deep Listening is an Art!

                I’ve been spending time in the last month exploring with my classes how we can deepen our conversations with one another.  Just focusing on the topic has made me more conscious of the people in my life that have the willingness and the capacity to connect at deeper levels.  This pausing to reflect and assess my conversations has raised my awareness that my connections seem to separate into two groups.  There are those among my family, friends, and colleagues with whom I can easily settle into conversations in which we share more about how we’re doing.  The flip side is recognizing that with others in my life we seldom experience talking about more personal aspects of ourselves.  We can have some enjoyable conversations, and while at the end of those conversations I often feel a continuing connection, I don’t necessarily feel a deepening one.

                Deeper conversations can include talking about a wide range of things that we are pondering, including things that are bothering us, things that we are excited about, or topics that we would like to pursue in the future.  There is almost always a sense of free-flowing exploration and expansiveness, easily moving from one topic to the next.  The subject matter can move from the sublime to the mundane, a true reflection of all that  passes through our lives in a day.  I am reminded of Jack Kornfield’s book, After the Ecstasy, The Laundry.  Kornfield’s book humorously captures the emotional ranges within which we live on any given day.

                I don’t find an easy way to fully describe what I consider a deeper conversation, but I can describe how I feel after a conversation that includes more meaningful sharing.  I am more aware of the connection that I feel with the person or people with whom I’ve been talking with.  Such exchanges include my touching on something personal, whether it be a feeling, a concern,  an approaching decision to be made, or something to look forward to.  And if I have been practicing the art of good listening,  I’ve experienced something of the same about the person I’m sharing with.

                When I take a moment to appreciate the quality of a rewarding conversation, I experience a lasting feeling of being in connection; a feeling strong enough to remind me that I am not alone.  After listening to David Whyte’s series on Deepening Our Conversations, I chose to look at what I might be doing that may be shutting down the opportunity for conversations that involve more personal sharing.

                I landed on starting with examining the quality of my listening skills.  In long-term relationships, I find it easier to just be lulled into a state of half listening, particularly if the same topics always seem to make their way into the conversation.  In recalling what I think are some of the familiar subjects that a friend brings up when we’re chatting, I recognized almost immediately that I had missed opportunities to invite a more substantive discussion.

                One of my friends has been living a frenetic existence for several years.  I’ve been more in the observer role and listening as I haven’t been invited to offer input on how  to bring about change.  I recognize that we each have to come to our own decisions about how we want to live our lives, and my hope is that my friend will eventually realize the harm she is doing to herself and likely to others given how she is living.

                 It dawned on me as I was replaying some of our conversations that my friend gave voice to the one thing in her life that she was worrying most about.  I heard what she said, so I was listening, but I realized that I missed the opportunity to ask a clarifying question that might have given her the opportunity to open up more.

                She kept saying that she was worrying most about an elder parent who is living in an independent retirement community.  I processed the surface level of that statement, but I missed hearing that she made repeated references to this concern over time.  I’ve decided that the next time we talk and depending how the conversation goes, I might ask her if she can describe the nature of what she is worrying about.

                I don’t know if she is worried about the quality of the dying process or how long it might be drawn out.  She may be concerned with settling the estate and following up on all the legal notifications that will have to be addressed in settling the estate once someone dies.  She may not be open to responding to my question, but I can at least make the invitation, signaling that I am here to listen and to be supportive.

                This example has sharpened my awareness to listen more carefully  when I hear someone beginning to repeat something I’ve already heard mentioned.   It may be that the continuous repetition of the same issue is more important to notice and to let register rather than the actual words said.

                I’ve heard statements that deep listening relies heavily  on hearing what isn’t  being said.  This example is a great illustration of G.K. Chesterton’s quote: 

“There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”