Friends Can Be Great Guides

Within the last year, I’ve had multiple occasions where I was aware that I was observing a group of friends who are older than I am.  More specifically, I was processing what I was learning from them as I listened to them interact, and I was enjoying how they conversed with one another.  This particular group of friends – all women – has known each other for many years, and their conversations as you might expect moved easily in and out of multiple spaces.  The various topics covered what was going on in their current lives – including brief discussions on current health issues, as well as what they were doing for enjoyment along with updates on their volunteer services.

I am impressed by their “can do” attitude, while being in their late 80s and early 90s may be slowing them down a bit, it certainly hasn’t dampened their spirits.  They seem to just take challenges in stride or at least keep a perspective on them.  Yes, they  can  voice anger and frustration on what they consider to be unjust or unkind actions of others in both the personal and political realms, but they don’t appear to let those external issues alter their own resolve on how they want to live their lives.  I find myself momentarily offering a silent wish that I may be as resourceful as they are when I reach their ages.

Because we are such a youth-obsessed culture, there is still a dearth of research about the process of aging when compared with what has been written about child and adolescent development.  I remember studying human development in college courses, and that coupled with reading Gail Sheehy’s book on human development titled Passages in the early 1990s that I was struck by how little we understand about the more nuanced issues that emerge in our adult lives.

Sheehy’s book approached adults’ lives in ten-year intervals or chunks of time.  To be honest, I do remember it being helpful to have a frame of reference of the common goals, challenges, and unique aspects associated with phases of adult development.  But I was also struck by the contrast of Sheehy’s more micro-focused analysis of childhood and adolescent development when compared with the more broad-stroke approach to adult development.  Early childhood educators along with other professionals focus on so many stages of child development: pre-natal, 1-3 months, 3-6 months, etc.    While the more detailed focus on child development makes some sense since so many changes are observable within the first few years of life, I think it also reveals that our society has yet to realize and help people prepare for the benefits that accompany the aging process.

Perhaps it is the fact that people are living longer which is providing a greater window of time in adults’ lives when they may have more freedom to choose how they want to spend this fabulous gift of time.  So it is not surprising that as more adults approach the second half of their lives, we are finding more momentum that is leading to a more focused interest in gaining more insight on how to prepare for and enjoy the latter phases of life.

In my work as an educator as well as a personal interest in most aspects of the human development process, I have long been a student of the aging process.  Currently I am finding it incredibly helpful to discover much more written about the process of aging, as well as communal groups formed to share aspects of aging in their lives.  I plan to write about some of these resources in future Blogs.   Meanwhile, as in the opening example, I am a conscious observer of those close to me in age or older than I am.   I don’t even have to know people personally in order to notice something about them that calls out a response from me.  Sometimes it’s the spunk that exudes from their beingness….it may be how they dress, how they carry themselves, the gracious countenance they exude, or the courage  and determination required for them to put one foot in front of the other.

Without meaning to be judgmental as much as a witness, I try to assess for my own learning how people approach the aging process.  My thinking goes something like the following, but I want to insert a word about my intentions as I observe how others are approaching the aging process.  While my observations may look like I’m judging others’ approaches to the aging process, in actuality, I’m more interested in learning how one’s approach to the aging process actually impacts one’s aging.  Keep in mind that the input or what we tell ourselves about aging on a bit-by-bit basis eventually gathers momentum and we become what we have told ourselves is the reality.  So here’s what I find myself processing as I observe other adults:

• Those who approach aging with a belief that one’s chronological age is just a number and that number doesn’t define how they should behave or feel
• Those who believe that one’s chronological age is the all-defining feature of how one should dress, behave, etc
• Those who fall somewhere in between the first two categories

Here’s an example that comes to mind that I hope sheds some light on what I’m trying to learn from observation.   A while back I attended a wedding shower for the daughter of a friend of mine.  The attendees represented a variety of ages, but what I remember most were three women relatives of the bride-to-be who spent most of the time between the bride’s opening of her gifts discussing their recent ailments.  I happened to be sitting near these three women so I learned all of the details as well.  My own reaction at the time was something along the lines of “Please, dear heavens above, don’t ever let me resign myself to just focusing on my ailments or illnesses.”

Again, I recognize how one observation doesn’t reveal all that is going on in another person’s mind and emotions.  But as  I pointed out earlier, if we are not observant about the messages that we let into our psyches, then those messages can become how we in fact look at reality or how we define ourselves.

If there is a summarizing message to this Blog, it is to be mindful of scrutinizing your own beliefs about aging as well as how you hear others speak about the process.  As you experience the changes that may accompany the aging process don’t lose sight of the positive features of aging.  Staying positive  and relishing the benefits of aging – I believe – can provide an essential balance that enables one to stay open, resilient, and embracing of life in all of its phases.