My family consists of friendships that have developed over time. I come from an extended family that offered me cousins to play with. As an adult, I have a clearer understanding that based on witnessing our parents’ behaviors, they were products of dysfunctional families.

Gradually, my aunts and uncles along with their children all moved far away from where they grew up. I didn’t mind their absence so much as a child, but as an adult, I miss having a larger circle of people that I can claim as my family. On a positive note, there’s something to be said for having a family that consists of friends who are much more sympatico with who I am today. And, as a friend whose identity consists of a strong family footprint pointed out to me, I am spared all of the negotiations, frustrations, and difficulties that are frequently part of the continued clan relationships.

I borrowed the title of this Blog from the words of David Whyte on one of his webinars. The word Frontier  is a fitting description of our ever-developing relationships. The online Thesaurus offers the following synonyms for frontier:  “unexplored, unknown, outskirts.”

There are multiple ways to nurture our friendships but one that I think gets little attention is to help us understand that all of us are constantly undergoing changes. No doubt the degree of change we undergo varies widely. Some of our changes might be described in figurative imagery that denotes the distance traveled in the following ways:  a) walk around the block; b) complete a three-mile hike through the woods; or c) travel to another State or Country.”  Something as common as the dreams we have at night can lead to feelings that something within us has undergone a change by the time we wake in the morning.

How then do we accommodate the changes that are occurring in others as well as ourselves when we want to continue longstanding friendships that have brought us joy and comfort in our lives? I’m not aware of any “x-step” program that guarantees results, but I’ll share what I’ve learned over time, knowing that a year from now, I’ll have more insights.

I think it best to start with oneself, as we have greater control over our own development than we have over others’ lives. Starting with myself, I understand that I am fully responsible for my life, including creating my own happiness. It is not up to others to make me happy, although that doesn’t exclude others doing things that bring me joy and happiness.

Once we fully accept our responsibility for our happiness we are much less likely to be angry when others don’t do what we want or expect them to do. It is common for friendships to have rituals of activities that are part of the process that the friendship has experienced over time. Day trips to the beach in summer, weekend shopping  excursions to local outdoor malls, or eating out at favorite restaurants on Saturday night might be memories that we treasure.

But if we accept that we are each always going through transitions that are leading us to new interests or goals, it follows that the ways we have spent time in the past may be replaced by future preferences. The ability to treasure past good times along with letting go of those practices without being angry at the other is definitely part of accepting  changes in our relationships.

Finding ways to have deeper levels of conversation that allow friends to share what is going on within oneself can help mitigate the mystery of what is occurring. In the absence of clarity, we all tend to write the script that follows from the lead emotions that we’re experiencing. Again, one has to be attentive to how we each process information and how comfortable we are about forging into these types of conversations.

One of my closest friends has a stated aversion to processing experiences; I’ve learned to pay attention to her shortened versions of expressing what she is experiencing. I can miss these clues if I’m not paying attention. In passing she might express what she’s worried most about in just a few words, like, “I’m most worried about my father these days.”  If I miss an opening at the time it is shared, I’ve learned that I can reach out the next time I see her with a “soft” hand, offering the chance to talk with a question like “How is your dad doing today?” Again, it is within my power to allow her to choose how she wants to share her feelings.

Being an introvert, it is easy for me to just sit back and let others do the sharing when I gather with friends. In those situations, it feels like I’m just watching television; I’m taking it all in but not sharing anything of myself. Sharing my travels with friends is part of nurturing the relationship. Speaking plainly, we need to show up in the relationships.

It is sad to realize that as we and others grow and change, our friendships may no longer work for both of us. It is a challenge to find a compassionate and gracious way to let go of a friendship. I find it easy to ignore the warning signals suggesting the friendship may be nearing the end of its time. I have found the words offered by David Whyte’s beautiful words about friendship helpful in recognizing how to assess the vitality level of my friendships.

David Whyte has a wonderful poem called, Sweet Darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.
When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.
Turn to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.
There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.
The dark will be your womb
tonight.
The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.
You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.
Give up all other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn
anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

Whyte offers enlightening words about what friendship is and isn’t:

“…The ultimate touchstone of friendship is not improvement, neither of the other nor of the self: the ultimate touchstone is witness, the privilege of having been seen by someone and the equal privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another, to have walked with them and to have believed in them, and sometimes just to have accompanied them for however a brief span, on a journey impossible to accomplish alone.”

Beware when someone begins to criticize your choices or tries to change you, it may be a sign that  you’ve each moved to new frontiers.