07_22_2022

Gifts and Challenges of Relationships

                In keeping with the theme of this series, we will continue to explore the chapters in Angeles Arriens’s book, The Second Half of Life: Opening the Eight Gates of Wisdom. We find ourselves entering the Black and White Gate: The Crucible of Love, Generosity, Betrayal, and Forgiveness. This Gate focuses on the relationships in our lives.

                The use of the contrasting color opposites — Black and White — is symbolic imagery for the simultaneous emotions of love and dislike that we can harbor in any relationship. I can’t think of any key relationships in my life in which I cared deeply for someone without also experiencing times when I found myself being angry or hurt by this same person.

                Relationships teach us how to love and how to express that love. They also teach us how to care and be with another person even though we might not feel like the word love is appropriate in  all relationships. Relationships teach us about ourselves. Arrien claims that “all kinds of relationships are our teachers.” Within this Gate, we also focus on the relationship we have with ourselves.

                It is only in later life that I have come across statements that indicate that “being in a significant relationship with another person is the most rigorous spiritual practice we can undertake.”  It took me awhile to fully understand this statement, but the words now lead me to look at periodic challenges that arise from my relationships in a new way.

                I’ll share a synopsis of the process I find myself experiencing when someone that matters to me evokes feelings of anger or hurt. By comparison, if a stranger or someone I’m  not particularly close to does something that causes a negative reaction in me, it is easier to let it go than if I experienced a comparable situation with someone that has a more significant role in my life.

                My processing the event begins with my registering the feeling. Then my “shadow” shows up — don’t worry, if you don’t know much about the concept of “shadow,” we’ll get to it shortly. Those who have done work to explain our shadows consistently suggest that when we react strongly to something someone says or does, we’re actually being triggered by unresolved parts of our own life experience.

                “We need to bless those who challenge us to love more fully, for they are the  great teachers who show us wen we are open-hearted or closed-hearted, full-hearted, or half-hearted, and strong- hearted or weak-hearted in our relationship. The shadow side of the open heart is closed-heartedness, which reveals where we still hold resentments and old disappointments.”

                For example, if we often feel that one person in a group of others we spend time with always seems to command the spotlight that results in him or her getting all of the attention, this experience can result in our being angry, feeling left out or ignored. Our reaction might be prompted by our wanting more attention or wishing that we could be as charming and successful at being the center of attention.

                Arrien suggests that we are wise to tune into our feelings that such experiences trigger. Once we sit with our feelings — and refrain from being critical of ourselves for having such feelings— it is possible to get to the root of our emotional response. In the above example, we have options to use our Voice to influence the group’s conversation. If the relationship with the group is important to you, you do have the option to speak up and offer suggestions that allow others to have a chance to share. It takes courage to make such a suggestion. Seeking a trusted resource to function as a sounding board for your thoughts before following through on them provides another way of making sure that you are choosing your words wisely. In the above example, it’s possible to offer a comment like the following:  “When I have had time to reflect on our gathering for lunch or whatever, I realize that members of our group – frequently including myself, have not had a chance to speak. Can we come up with ideas that invite everyone to share how they are doing?”

                I’ve realized that one thing that always annoys me is when someone speaks for me or makes a statement about me without seeking my input. One member of a group I belong to has strong roots in traditional religions. When I was sharing that I am drawn more to spiritual practices that are less driven by creeds and the scriptures, she said “my views were shaped by my childhood experience with religion.”  I found her comment to be accusatory and judgmental, but I also realize that this taps into a feeling from my childhood years when adults would falsely accuse me of what I was thinking. Such practices felt unfair then, and they still feel unfair.

                However, I realize that I can now use my voice to share what I think has influenced my decision to pursue a more spiritual path versus seeking solace from organized religion. No doubt my early experience with religion has colored my views today, but there is more context to my decision.

                Shadow work can be insightful and bring more peace and grace to our relationships. Our shadows are neutral in value; they are neither bad nor good. They are simply parts of ourselves that we don’t know as well.

                Next time someone does something that triggers a strong emotional response, see if you can learn from the experience by exploring why the statement has such an impact on you.