April 20, 2019

Giving Voice to Your Resilience

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my own resilience. I’m going through a period where I am experiencing increased vulnerability, a situation brought about by the confluence of unrelated events.  A close friend of mine lost a sibling that she was very close to, and I’ve watched how this loss is impacting her.  The sudden and unexpected death of her brother has I think reminded her and those close to her that we have no guarantees of how long people we care about and rely on will be in our lives.

                My sister-in-law has just recently learned that her twin brother has been diagnosed with cancer with a projected window of six months to live.  Her husband, my brother, passed away about two years ago, so she has been grappling with significant loss over the last two years.  Within the same message in which she shared the news of her brother’s impending death, she also said that she is thinking of selling her home In the Carolinas and moving closer to Maryland so she can be nearer her adult children.

                Another colleague/friend is going through the same dilemma of relocating to another State to be nearer her extended family as she contemplates the implications of aging and of being alone – that is without family nearby – where she is currently living.

                All of these events have heightened my awareness of my own vulnerability as I also recognize that it is highly likely that at some point in the aging process I may well be faced with conditions that limit my ability to function as fully independently as I am currently able to do.  I momentarily consider whether I am interested in moving closer to my sister-in-law and her children if and when she relocates. 

                My own research coupled with my observation of the aging process reminds me that only thinking about the physical aspects of one’s life – getting to doctors ‘ appointments, not having to worry about things like cutting the grass, removing snow – only address one dimension of one’s life.  I’ve witnessed situations in which children relocate a parent based on their concerns about the parent living alone.  In some of these situations I’ve seen how difficult and challenging it has been for the relocated parents to bring meaning to their lives as their prior connections and lifelines have been severed by a move of some distance.  Part of the decision to move a parent is also to provide the children with greater peace of mind.  Mind you, I’m not judging the children’s desire to try and manage an aging parent in the midst of their own busy lives;  I’m just reminding us to think about our whole lives and wellbeing as we consider what is best for ourselves and others in later life.

I am mindful about how important it is for each of us to be near our friends, to be able to engage in meaningful activities that have been part of our lives for many years.  Attending services at a religious or spiritual community that one has been part of, participating in book groups, going to your favorite breakfast place, taking the nearby commuter rail into a museum in the city, are all activities that help nourish one’s soul and emotional and psychological well-being.

So reminding myself that I would be severing multiple and important anchors in my life if I were to up and move based solely on concerns or creeping anxieties about how I am going to manage as I age on my own puts the brakes on thoughts of relocation for now.  Instead, I choose to look inward, and ask myself:  Are you resilient?  Do you have what it takes to adapt, to draw on what you have learned to help you manage new journeys?  Am I able to face new challenges with reasonable confidence that I can find the resolve and creative adaptation required in order to still live a joyful life?

Those are powerful questions that have spurred me to think more about Claiming My Own Resiliency!  So how does one take a measure of one’s resiliency?  Let me share how I have been going about it.  I rely on multiple insights and observations to take stock of how well prepared I am to face some of the challenges of later life.  Here are some of the resources I use to gain a read on the fullness of my tank.

First one’s own life is probably a rich and somewhat unexplored reservoir of examples that can serve as validation of one’s resourcefulness.  I just finished reading Sarah Smarsh’s book, Heartland: A Memoir of Working Hard and Being Broke in the Richest Country on Earth.  The book opened up rooms within me that I thought I had closed a long time ago.  The author shares what her childhood was like growing up in an environment of poverty that reached deep into both her immediate and extended family.  Poverty is like a magnet for other compounding challenges: alcoholism, violence, isolation, loneliness, missed opportunities, shame, etc. 

Reading the book gave me the chance to look back on my life and to see that I had possessed some of the same determination and focus as Smarsh as I held on to goals and commitment in my inner life as a child that I would live a happier life than what I witnessed in my own family.  In my case, I was blessed with the ability to learn in school and I liked and enjoyed learning.  I was blessed that at different times adults appeared in my life to provide me with feedback and encouragement and that also helped me gain access to a women’s high school and to employment once I was old enough to work. 

Looking back and seeing dimensions of my earlier life through the words of a writer some of whose experiences I shared reminded me to own my own resilience.  Going through a divorce and coming to the realization that I didn’t need a husband to build a life in which I could experience joy and happiness was also a major growth step in resilience for me. Friends are also a great resource as they observe one’s life and in their generosity offer feedback that affirms strengths, hard work, commitment, and perseverance.

I think many of us are grateful for coming through difficult challenges and losses in our life, and we are more likely to express gratitude to others and possibly to a Higher Power for having given us the strength to make it to the other side of the turbulence.  I understand how it can feel somewhat false or arrogant to claim that we had any part in making it to the finish line.

But think again….I understand and appreciate the value and necessity of not claiming that we survived some tough experiences all on our own.  However, it is essential that we acknowledge the work that we have done to build up our reservoir of resiliency.  If it makes it easier to do this by beginning with an expression of gratitude, go for it.  I am grateful that I have the curiosity and the ability to learn as a way of expanding my understanding ability to thrive in life.  Such statements acknowledge that one has a part in building resiliency while benefitting from the kindness and generosity of other resources.

Each of us has probably developed our own little rituals that we follow when we are experiencing feelings of being overwhelmed or lacking the capacity to handle situations that present themselves in our daily lives.  Rest and time are great resources for me.  When I first learn of a threatening or unnerving event, I can feel totally overwhelmed.  But often a good night’s rest and some distance from the initial hearing can give me a chance to marshal my resiliency in working my way to  seeing the event as something that I believe I have the resourcefulness to work my way through.  Friends are also a great resource; often just expressing your concerns and fears to someone else helps relieve some of the anxiety that is enclosed within your physical, mental, and emotional bodies. 

If you have a spiritual or religious practice that guides you, you can create a Mantra of your own.  For example,  “My inner light or higher self will help guide me through this experience.”  Think of you inner light as a flashlight or as one of those lights on a miner’s cap that helps you see your way in the darkness.

Tomorrow is Easter, and a good time to ponder Resiliency – the ability to rise up again and again through setbacks, challenges, and loss.  Namaste.