May 14, 2019

Holding Out for Nuance!

Searching for Nuance – in both our feelings and in our selection of language – can make a huge difference in how we experience life.  Given that I grew up in a family where there was almost no refinement when communicating or expressing one’s feelings, I have had to do a lot of work to acquire the insights and skills to be more precise in understanding and expressing my experience.

We humans have the unique gift of language that allows us to express ourselves.  More often than not, my observation is that we take that gift for granted and frequently the gift is very under-used.  I was struck by the first time I observed parents coaching their very young children “to use their words” when the children were experiencing some type of displeasure or meltdown.  I never witnessed this particular parental coaching as I was growing up, but the first time I heard it I immediately saw the wisdom behind the parent’s coaching. 

Choosing our words with greater precision can signal that we are also paying closer attention to our own reactions, feelings, and experiences.  Let’s follow the above example of encouraging children to use their words in order to establish why language is a powerful asset in helping us both express ourselves and to connect with others.  If a child, for example, is fussy or angry because the child is hungry, the hunger can more quickly be addressed if the child can state that “I am hungry” versus crying and throwing a tantrum.  Using one’s words doesn’t guarantee that one will get the desired outcome, but it certainly is a step in the right direction.

Choosing our words carefully is contingent on being both self-aware and being present.  If someone says something to you that is upsetting, in order to consider how important it is for you to address or respond, you have to realize the following.  First, you have to know that the comment upset you, and the next step is to reflect on why you found it upsetting.  Did the comment ring untrue?  Did if feel as though it carried some kind of negative judgment?  Did it equate an action of yours with the action of another in such a way that the person commenting perceived each action as equally responsible or to blame?   

As one reflects in these situations, several outcomes are possible.  To start with, your self-awareness may lead you to accept some aspects of a comment as containing some truth, and that insight may lead one to pay more attention to one’s behavior.  For example, if someone were to comment on how often you speak in a group setting, that comment if accurate may be a helpful signal to do more self-monitoring on how much “air time” you occupy in a group discussion.

On the other hand, you may feel that a person’s comment has totally misrepresented you in some way.  Pay attention to those feelings, and give some serious thought to how you want to respond.  People often resort to statements that are over-simplified or too general in nature to truly reflect the reality of what is going on.  When I hear someone say, “I hate ‘whatever,” I find that such a broad description tells me very little about the other person’s experience.  More nuanced expressions provide us with more insight about one’s feelings. 

My perspective on the importance of nuance is enriched by the research I’m currently doing to put a course together on “Writing One’s Own Narrative.”  My interest in this topic stems from my growing belief that it offers a rich opportunity to examine one’s life to-date in a way that can deepen one’s understanding of his or her life as a whole.  It is also a great tool to deepen one’s self-compassion.  I, for one, can certainly say in looking back on my life that “if I knew then what I know now, I would have done some things differently.”  What’s important is understanding what tools you had to work with when you were younger.  Insights gained from such work can help one accept that we humans are less than perfect, and it can lead to being more forgiving and compassionate towards oneself and others.

A very important part of developing deeper levels of self-compassion is to identify who else you are letting “tell your story.”  We all have these “voices” from our past that have said things to us that may have had some truth in the moment but that certainly didn’t capture all of who we are.  Generally these haunting comments from our pasts are gross generalizations and lacked the specifics or nuanced insights that may have made it easier for each of us to assess if there were elements of truth within them.

For example, in a troubled marriage, if a husband were to say to his wife that she wasn’t a very interesting person, that is most definitely a generalization.  Because it is so vague, it also has the power to be more damaging since it is a broadside hit rather than a specific example.  Or, instead of saying to someone, “You are always late,” It might be more helpful to mention 2-3 recent times when the person was significantly late.  Here one is focusing on a specific, more concrete or nuanced characteristic so it is easier to evaluate for its accuracy and then to respond to.

A complementary partner to “nuance” is “ambivalence.”  When we are sorting out our feelings, part of going for the gold is to recognize when we are experiencing conflicting emotions.  We can for example really admire and enjoy someone’s company while simultaneously recognizing some aggravating or hurtful behavior exhibited by that individual.

A colleague friend of mine is a good example.  I find her bright, generally insightful, and kind, but she has a tendency to oversimply her assessments when she wants to avoid conflict.  When I realized that her statements to me were hurtful and making me angry, I finally decided to speak to her about it. She would say things like, “I know how you feel about this,” and then she would go on to say how I felt. Amazing!  Specifically, I asked her to refrain from making statements about how I feel.  I explained that I don’t think it is really possible for any of us to know fully how another feels.  We can observe, we can ask questions like “What do you find most upsetting about this situation?  When someone tells us how we feel, they are pigeon-holing us according to their lens and denying that our emotions may be more complex than what they perceive.  When someone attempts to state how you feel, in essence the person is denying your actual experience.

Holding out for and working for greater clarity is worth the effort.  Until I get closer to the roots of my emotional reactions, I am not able to gain the level of insight that is most helpful in understanding why certain actions trigger core emotions like anger and sadness within me.  Once I have a more nuanced understanding, I am better equipped to sit with an emotion.  If I am hurt, I find it helpful to gain a deeper understanding of why I feel hurt.  Was I holding some unstated expectation that wasn’t realistic or that I had no right to hold?  If my answer to that question is “yes,” then I know it’s time to reframe my expectation. 

Dictionaries define “nuance” as “a quality of something that is not easy to notice but may be important.”  The fact that “it is not easy to notice” indicates that it may take more effort or work to uncover the more subtle aspects of our feelings and experience, but the greater clarity we gain is our reward for our work.    The more fine-tuned our insights, the greater the likelihood that we’ll be able to benefit from them.