06_20_2022

Loving Our Bodies as We Age

                My classes that are using Angeles Arrien’s book titled, The Second Half of Life: Opening the Eight Gates of Wisdom, are spending more time on the third Gate that focuses on our learning how to truly accept our bodies as we age and provide them with the self-care called for. I marvel at the level of comfort we have achieved with one another exemplified by our ease in sharing how we’re reacting to changes in our body.

                We are all aware that our bodies in our sixties and seventies don’t look like our bodies when we were teenagers and young women. At our younger ages, our bodies more closely aligned with the idealized models of women’s beauty fostered within our culture. Most of us were thinner, our skin was less wrinkled, and we could sport a nice tan in the summer months. We all grew up in an age where women wore short skirts and were learning to become comfortable showing more of their bodies.

                It’s no wonder that as we age and our bodies evolve, we are left adrift when it comes to finding comfort in those changes. As I’ve spent more time thinking about this concept of loving our bodies as we age, I have come to believe that I am simply not aware of how much I have internalized the cultural messages about women’s bodies. Intellectually I may understand what is going on, but that doesn’t translate into informing my emotional understanding of the forces that are guiding my perceptions.

                One of my classes committed to spending time in the next week before we meet again working on deprogramming ourselves with respect to how we have been taught to define beauty. If we can figure out how to embrace this commitment, we may find it easier to appreciate our bodies and be grateful for the gifts they have given us.

                I’m on board with this work as I know that it can be challenging to look at myself in the mirror, especially when I’m naked, and not find myself looking away and privately asking, “How did this happen?”  Here’s my initial experience with deprogramming. When I looked in the mirror after taking a shower, I paused and paid more attention to my reaction.

                I was immediately making a comparison to the image of my body when I was much younger. I was unconsciously choosing an image for comparison that I had been taught to believe was the gold standard. I was able to make a connection at that moment with a spiritual practice that I recently discovered about attachments.

                When we are attached to anything – it can be an idea, a belief, an expectation, an outcome, and the list goes on – the attachment locks us into a framework that may not serve us well. When I realized that I was still attached to an image of myself when I was much younger, I realized how that wasn’t serving me well.

                Buddhists and other spiritual traditions teach us that to achieve deeper happiness, we have to let go of our attachments. But I know it is not as simple as just having the awareness of what I need to do. Now I need to work on re-programming myself and producing a new way – not necessarily an attachment – of viewing my body with more kindness and acceptance.

                It did dawn on me when I was experiencing this wisdom insight on how I and other women in my younger circle of friends constantly scrutinized our bodies. We spent more time when we were younger finding fault with our bodies when they didn’t match up with the “perfect” bodies that were always being put in front of us as examples of beauty. In an odd way, it was helpful to remind myself that even at younger ages I didn’t easily accept and appreciate my body as it was.

                One thought I shared in the class is that when I have had to adjust to my body’s quirks and limitations and occasional health challenges, I’ve asked myself the following question:  “Are you willing to trade your body in for someone else’s?” My consistent answer tells me that I appreciate my body more than I acknowledge because I’ve always answered that question with a sound negative.

                Part of aging well is letting go of images and attachments that prevent us from being open to the changes that are occurring in our lives. These changes also bring gifts that we are likely to miss if we refuse to accept that changes are inevitable. Our beliefs about aging have a strong influence on how we experience aging.

                I experience a similar form of “the need to let go” when I’m cleaning out my closets and trying to let go of clothing that I no longer wear. Like me, I’m sure many of my readers all have “favorite outfits” that they find hard to let go. The clothes remind us of some particularly good times and  special occasions. We felt we looked really good when we wore certain items. I have difficulty letting go of the clothing because I fear I won’t remember those special moments without the clothes to remind me.

                Instead, a byproduct of putting so much energy into hanging onto to certain pieces of clothing has left me with clear visual imprints of the clothing. I can picture them from memory, and once I realized why I was finding it so hard to give these memorable pieces away, it made it easier to do so.

                Our generation is fortunate to be living longer, so it is not surprising that we’re having to do the pioneer work of forging new ways of experiencing this gift of longer life. It may make our work easier if we think of it as part of our generativity: we have the opportunity to pass on the gift of viewing our aging more favorably. As we do the work to reprogram ourselves about how we embrace all stages of our lives, we’re leaving behind more favorable ways to approach and appreciate the later stages of life.