December 8, 2018

The Gifts of Learning about Self-Compassion

Let me start by saying today is one of my most favorite days in the year: it’s the day I select and put up my Christmas tree.  I think this tradition has its roots in my family’s religion of origin.  I’m not sure if it is still true, but at the time I was growing up, December 8 was designated in the Catholic Church as the Feast of the Immaculate Conception.  As a result, the Catholic Schools were closed on that date and because we were out of school for the day, my family usually spent part of that day purchasing a Christmas tree and decorating it.  My closest friends and family know how much I love the Christmas season.   The Season brings me joy for many reasons.  First, people – at least some folks – seem in a more festive mood.  Lots of people, particularly women, seem to wear more red which I think of as a vibrant, joyful color.  I love the lights that people hang outside, and as I’ve studied more about the origins and practices associated with the Winter Solstice, it makes sense that people would find ways of mediating the darkest day of the year.  I also very much enjoy the lights on a real tree inside.

For me the Season also is a time to spend times with others to celebrate the joys of connection and friendship.  I generally do a lot of Christmas cooking and baking in order to fill food baskets as gifts, so the smells that permeate the house are inviting, and having the oven going on cold days is a plus as well.  I enjoy inviting others to sit down for a meal that offers an opportunity for rich conversations that allow time for people to connect over good food.  As an example, ten years ago during the Christmas Season, I had to have one of my bathrooms re-done in response to a pipe breaking, and my contractor swears that the way we passed the town’s inspection on the placement of the medicine cabinet is that the inspector came one morning that found me baking biscotti.  I offered him coffee and samples, and to my surprise he and the contractors sat around the dining room table telling stories for the next two hours while I continued to bake more goodies.  (I live in a very old house built in the 1800s and the studs in some of the rooms were actually cut in a local lumber mill, so things like the width and spacing of the studs used for framing aren’t exactly up to today’s codes.)

Recalling experiences that bring me joy and happiness is a great segue into today’s Blog Topic of Self-Compassion.  I think I mentioned in an earlier Blog about my Five-Fab resolutions before Christmas that a friend of mind had invited me to attend an all day workshop on Self-Compassion at the Cambridge Insight Meditation Center.  I’m happy to share that I was able to join in the event and I found it very helpful and worthwhile.  This term in the Yoga Book Group that I have been active in for several years is reading Tara Brach’s book on Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha.  Brach’s book is rich with insights into deeper levels and layers associated with accepting ourselves “just as we are.”  She also provides great examples and some meditation exercises to help prime the pump on accessing some of the more negative voices and reactions we harbor within ourselves.

Dr. Chris Germer facilitated the Self-Compassion workshop, and maybe I was really primed for his messages based on some of my prior work, but my take is that the work that he and others are doing in the field of fostering self-compassion – much of it captured in his books  – takes the notion of self-acceptance to a new level.

He explores all of the myths and provides evidence to refute them regarding the tendency to equate self-compassion with narcissistic tendencies.  First and foremost, accepting ourselves as we are is not the same as saying, “This is who I am and I have no intention or interest in changing.”  Rather self-acceptance involves developing the awareness and insight that all of us experience disappointment, loss, suffering, and frustrations in our lives and at times we are often unprepared on how to respond to these events in a healthy, non-harming manner.  In other words, none of us are perfect.  Accepting ourselves as we are allows us to increase our awareness about who we are without attaching all kinds of blame and negative messages to ourselves.  This statement made more sense to me once I realized that until we can stop heaping negative messages onto ourselves, who in their right mind would want to learn more about who they are?

Gaining more self-awareness is accessible to us through multiple resources.  I find that reading leads me to some helpful insights.  Books ranging from topics about human development to fiction allow me to step outside of my own life experience and observe myself though the knowledge and experiences of others.  When I read of how others in life react to their own experiences and how they carry forward hurts from the past, I gain some clues about my own psyche and behavior.  Through reading fiction I feel I have greatly enhanced my understanding of the human experience.  Women writers have provided me with more insightful access to my own life through naming and illustrating the various ways in which women process their experiences.  One of the most powerful tools that aids in my increasing my self-awareness has been the development of a regular meditation practice.

Sitting in stillness and focusing on being present allows and fosters opportunities for gaining insights about my feelings and my initial thoughts about reacting to those feelings, and how I talk to myself.  Every now and then, I am blessed with insights while meditating that shine the light on possible solutions characterized by compassion and less divisiveness or harm. (There is a reason that sometimes one will see connections that associate inner stillness and Insight Meditation.}

The process of expanding focusing on self-awareness to include self-compassion feels like a very natural step in the process of evolving to me.  Learning to accept ourselves without the constant negative chatter and haunting voices of the Greek Chorus that can play on a constant loop in our minds with negative messages is a vital step in our own healing and growth.  Developing self-compassion is a practice, and like any other acquired skill, it takes time and persistence to acquire.  But what a relief when you are able to recognize and replace some of the negative things we say to ourselves with kinder, gentler, loving words.  Ever say things like this to yourself:  “How could you have been so stupid; you should know better than that!”  “You have to do better so that you master that yoga position like everyone else in the class!”  Or maybe the negative messages we replay in our minds consist of things that were said to us as children.

With some insight, we can learn how to extend the same loving compassion to ourselves that we often extend to those we love.  I suggest Germer’s writing or his workbook as a good resource. His writing style is very accessible, and he cites some of the research and evidence that suggests that people that have compassion for themselves are happier, more joyful, more resilient in facing and working through life’s challenges, and they are less depressed and more optimistic.  Here are some quotes – both his and others – from his writing that you might find compelling:

“Our task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  Rumi

“Through self-compassion, we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.”

“When we feel inadequate, our self-concept is threatened, so we attach the problem – ourselves!”

“We can’t respond to our own suffering until we turn toward it with mindfulness.”

Let’s all give ourselves a hug today!  And some kind words wouldn’t hurt either!!