06_02_2018

The Search Goes On!

Just want to share that I continue find myself landing in a space where I am aware that I am looking for what’s next.  No matter how many times I’ve been in this space before, I’m always a little bit anxious about finding myself in this space again.  I have a similar reaction to what I felt when I was immersed in pursuing a double major in mathematics as an undergraduate.  Who knew that there were all of these different kinds of mathematics, with many of them seemingly never dwelling on numbers!  Periodically at the start of anew semester I would hear this inner voice questioning when I might meet the ceiling of my capacity to understand these very abstract branches of higher levels of math.  But, while some branches made more sense to me than others, I was able to comprehend something from each field of study.  Basically, I was asking myself the question of “When will I hit the wall of understanding?” – A question that reflects my awareness that I was definitely studying a complex body of knowledge.

I find myself in a similar experience as I pursue this phase of my life, one in which I have more unstructured time and have more choices about how I spend my time.  For the last several months, in addition to working on some interesting consulting projects, I’ve used the winter season of January – March to do some Spring Cleaning, allowing me to be outside in April and May to prepare and set up my extensive gardens.  So, stated more directly, I always had something on my list calling for my attention.  When I finally was satisfied that I had indeed accomplished my goal of getting the gardens to the desired point by the end of May, I was definitely ready for a break.

The timing to seek some down time coincided perfectly with a span of rainy days, so very inviting to indulge in some serious reading and couch time.  BUT then, after a couple of days of this, the watchful or attentive voice in my head began to ask, “What is going on here?”  I recognize the question as one that springs from one of those nagging or critical voices that are embedded in our psyches.  In this case, if I were to restate the question in the critic’s, voice it would come out like this:  “See, now that you aren’t working as much as before, you don’t have a role in life, so you basically don’t have a purpose.”

Pretty dreadful thoughts, and the reason that I’m sharing them is that I’m relatively certain that we all have our own version of a Greek Chorus made up of multiple critics’ voices.  Some of these voices are from our personal pasts, and some are from the messages that we have internalized from the values that the societies we live in pass on to us.  I’m pretty certain that my questioning my usefulness is somehow tied to the messages that are pervasive in our youth-obsessed culture.

It’s these kinds of moments that we all need to learn how to handle in positive ways as we age so that we don’t give into depression and miss out on the positive aspects of having more freedom to choose how we want to spend our time.  This scenario is in part what has prompted me to launch the Stillevolving.net Blog.

So no matter how perfectly we feel like we’re in a space where our life is in good balance, by now most of us have grown accustomed to the fact that some new wave of energy or happening is likely to alter what we have perceived as a “near perfect” space.  I feel like I should have the expression “Change is inevitable” tattooed on the back of my hand; if the reminder is constantly in view it might help me better prepare for the changes when they happen.

I can say that I can see that I have learned something over the years about change.  Or perhaps maybe I’ve grown in my understanding that I am responsible for creating happiness and hope in my life.  I think meditation and more self-awareness have helped me at least look at change with an additional lens.  Asking myself questions like, “To be honest, have I been feeling like it is time for me to move on, to explore something new or different?” “What new opportunities might this change or series of events have in store for me?”    For transparency sake, I can still experience a series of other emotions, like anxiety, loss, sadness, fear, etc. as I simultaneously seek ways of seeing some positives and new opportunities that might be on the horizon.

I think simultaneous feelings of ambivalence about change are perfectly natural and healthy.  Experiencing both positive and potentially challenging aspects of change – I’m refraining from defaulting to using the term negative – represent a balanced, realistic approach to experiencing transitional periods.  If we were to look more closely at the many elements in our lives, we most likely experience many more changes than we actually register.  Here’s a brief itemization of things on my list currently:

• Yoga teachers move on, and when they do, I feel a real disruption to a central practice in my life.
• My best friend recently bought a vacation home so now I see her less in the warmer months…bummer.
• My favorite yoga studio just closed, so now I have to search for a new site and new instructors that I’m comfortable with.
• I think I’m ready to search for a different gym…..checking out local area workout spaces is now on my To Do list
• A very close colleague and friend died unexpectedly recently, and I’m still missing his presence and trying to absorb the loss
• My all-time favorite nursery (flowers) closed within the last year, so I’ve had to revamp my strategies for purchasing plants, including the access that I had to an incredibly rich assortment of varieties of flowers

And the list goes on, but there’s a comparable list of many wonderful things happening as well.

So back to the title of this Blog, “The Search Goes On!”  Part of continuous evolving necessitates that we accept and embrace the reality that the ongoing nature of discovery, enlightenment, and enjoyment is predicated on our continuous willingness to do the work and SEARCH out new directions and experiences.

I think there are some definite handrails that make the search process less fearful and more enjoyable.  First, think of what happens when you turn the lens in a kaleidoscope:  You get a whole different view.  So instead of letting the feelings of fear and anxiety be the lead suits accompanying my searches, I can invite more positive internal voices to accompany me on this next journey.  Approaching the process of searching as an open-minded treasure hunt with confidence that if I do the work, I’ll find rewarding new experiences empowers me.  Next, if there’s one piece of advice that I follow that pretty consistently works for me, it’s simply “Just get out there.   Do something.   Go somewhere.  Look around you and something will grab your interest.”  Staying home believing that if you just think hard enough you’ll discover the next step is not a practice that I find reliable.

I’m not talking about running from your thoughts, instead I’m suggesting that just engaging in life in ways that are meaningful to you will help you find your path to the next space that you want to explore and learn from.

There’s a lot more to be said about the search process.  I often find that the most powerful insights come when I’m least expecting them.  Sometimes coincidental vibes begin to harness my awareness and the next thing I know I experience a moment of true clarity and direction – all pointing me where I was already headed.

Rainer Maria Rilke said it much more poetically:

The Wise Heart – Discernment

By

Rainer Maria Rilke

My eyes already touch the sunny hill,

Going far ahead of the road I have begun.

So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;

It has its inner light, even from a distance —

And changes us, even if we do not reach it,

Into something else, which hardly sensing it, we already are;

A gesture waves us on, answering our own wave…

But what we feel is the wind in our faces.