July 11, 2021

Transitions Offer Helpful Insights

                We all experience thousands of transitions in our lives, leading me to expect that there would be extensive attention to how we might benefit from them.   Actually,  other than research I did when I was changing jobs, I’m not aware that the topic has received a lot of coverage in the popular markets.

                It is the more significant transitions in our lives – such as marriage, divorce, death of someone significant in our lives, relocating – that offer us rich opportunities to learn more about ourselves.  Gradually, I am coming to realize that the previous 15-16 months have opened our lives to multiple gateways that may be putting us on paths of transitioning.

                We may not even be aware that we are undergoing transitions that have been introduced in our lives via the Pandemic.  We each may have a vague idea of our own start date of the Covid-19 virus, but     its impact on us has been less clear as our energy the last fifteen months has been focused on staying safe and adjusting to different ways of maintaining our relationships.

I can name losses I am aware I am experiencing from the extended period of social isolation. 

• Lack of access to external pastimes, especially those that offered entertainment and the opportunity to socialize.  Examples of these diversions might include dining out, shopping, going to the theater, travelling to new places, etc.  Instead, we have had to figure out how to fill an abundance of time on our own.
• Absence of time spent with friends and family; we’ve all spent more time alone or with a small number of people “in our bubble or pod.”  The ways our lives have been filled with people has changed significantly during this past year and a half.
• Paucity of external stimulation.  Being out and about puts us in contact with people even if the contact is overlaid with anonymity.  I knew that I was missing this stimulation as I was excited on the days that I had to make a trip to the recycling center or to the local grocery store.
• Heightened awareness of my vulnerability resulting in the loss of feeling I live in a time when things like Covid can’t happen to us.   Years ago, my book club read Gina Kolata’s book, Flu: The Story Of The Great Influenza Pandemic of 1918 and the Search for the Virus that Caused It.  It was gruesome to read about so many people dying, and the resulting panic that ensued as people didn’t seem to have any guidance about how to avoid contracting the flu.  It says something about my ability to retreat to denial; as I read the book I remember thinking something along the lines of, “This happened then, it can’t happen now.”  Yet, just about a hundred years later we were living through a similar pandemic.

Let’s take a moment to investigate some recognizable stages associated with transitions that involve or lead to a loss of some kind.  Transitions generally have recognizable stages as noted here:

• Sense of Loss; Fear, possibly waves of panic and recurring feels of despair; Possible bouts of loneliness, feeling isolated, retreating from contact
• Paralysis followed by action; Finding resources to realign and reground oneself; Beginning to imagine new visions of life
• New beginnings; Developing new relationships; Experiencing new beginnings; Discovering new interests and purposes in our lives.

There may well be additional stages of the transition process that others want to explore more deeply.  It is through this process of reflection at each stage that we can learn more about ourselves. Let’s examine each stage to see what it might offer us.

Sense of Loss.  I am not far enough into the transitions I’m undergoing to fully pinpoint my losses, but I do have some insights that I can share at this point as a way of offering an example.  Before Covid, I thoroughly enjoyed treating myself to dining out, sometimes alone and sometimes with others.  I enjoy connecting over a meal as I find it relaxing and I enjoy being out and experiencing the luxury of others preparing my food.  It took me awhile to be comfortable eating alone, but I started with breakfast, moved to lunch, and eventually to dinner on my own.  I found it helpful to have a book in hand or a journal to write in. 

I have just started to eat out at restaurants that have outside seating, but many places that have an outside dining option only seat those tables on a first come first-served basis.  My friends are mostly in different places regarding their current comfort level in eating out.  My reflections associated with dining out are centered on trying to identify what it is about these occasions that bring me such pleasure.  I like spending time with people I enjoy, and dining usually offers an extended time, face-to-face where we can catch up without interruptions.  The service means we don’t have to be distracted by the practicalities of cooking and cleaning up.  Going out provides a chance to get “dressed up,” and have new experiences surrounded by other people.  I have to wait and see how re-entry in this areas plays out.  In the meantime, I’m finding it possible to “replicate” in different ways.  Close friends and I have ordered food from restaurants and brought it home so that we could be together without having the distractions of cooking.  I’m meeting others as we bring our lunches to local parks.

I sense that my relationships with some friends may be shifting as well.  We’ve all spent more time alone, and it has given me time to reflect on which relationships I miss the most and which I am hardly missing at all.  The social isolation has given me more time for contemplative thought, and at least for the moment, I’m more mindful of how I want to spend my time.

Paralysis followed by action.  I’m beginning to take baby steps to returning to participate in activities outside my home.   I’m giving myself permission to go about this at the pace I’m comfortable with.  I want the same kind of time to notice what I am missing most.  Stated in another way, I want to be more mindful about how I spend my time and with whom.

More significant losses like losing someone close to you or a job are likely to lead to a period where one feels so devastated that it may feel like you are paralyzed or unable to take steps toward healing or putting your life back together. 

I suggest listening to your inner guidance system as it will send signals to when you need to start coming out of hibernation.  For those of an introverted nature giving up the “no-excuse required” to stay at home pass may be hard to part with.  As I understand more about what I feel I am actually losing, it becomes somewhat easier to explore what’s next.

New Beginnings:  One thing I’ve learned that I feel is empowering is my realization that as I experience shifts in my relationships, I need to look at how changes within me may be partially responsible for leading to changes in my relationships.  Realizing that changes within myself may in fact be contributing to changes in my relationships makes it easier to accept without blaming another. Close relationships we experienced in the past may no longer contain the same dynamics or interests that brought us together My reflections about this particular transition in my life is to avoid thinking that a diminishing sense of closeness in a relationship doesn’t necessarily lead to severing the relationship.  If there is a solid foundation of shared experiences of closeness and caring,  I want to find ways to continue the connection.  It may never rebloom to the radiance it once offered me, but who knows.

I love a statement I heard the Irish poet David Whyte make about close relationships.  He said something along the lines that friendships and partnerships are not about ownership of the other.  Instead, he said “those close bonds are ones in which we are gifted with the opportunity to witness others’ journeys through life, and to possibly through our caring and interest, offer ways of supporting others on their life experience.