January 6, 2019

Using Your Voice

                 As I was typing the date of this Blog, I couldn’t help but see the connection between this topic and the date which is the Feast of the Epiphany!  I’ve learned not to be surprised when all of a sudden I come to appreciate a word or phrase I’ve used many times in some new way.  There are many opportunities to experience an epiphany about using one’s Voice. 

                Many factors come into play and related to both finding and using one’s Voice.  My recent engagement in activities related to self-acceptance and self-compassion have resulted in new perceptions and insights into how self-compassion comes into play when exercising one’s right to speak one’s Voice. I’ve just begun reading Brene’ Brown’s new book, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts.  Just reading the Introduction nearly brought me to tears as Brown so acutely captures the grief that results from the abuse, harassment, and assaults on one’s character and person that a leader can experience when trying to help individuals and groups embrace ideas and engage in challenging conversations.                Reflecting on Dr. Brown’s insights opened the door of a time journey for me as I began recalling some of the more challenging experiences I’ve had in trying to provide leadership in educational institutions.  While the Mission of educational institutions is supposed to be about serving and caring for students, frequently the priorities informing decision-making can often put the needs of the employees ahead of Mission-driven considerations.  And yes, I do understand that sometimes it makes sense that employees need to consider their needs.  I was always grateful when school openings were delayed in order for the roads to be treated for travel during snowy, icy wintery weather.  The time-delayed start provided safer conditions for travel.y

                Once you experience being battered from expressing ideas and thoughts on how to achieve the goals and Mission of an educational institution, you become more aware of the risks involved in using your Voice to lead.  Over time, I learned how to gather the supports I needed and that were helpful to me in staying true to what I thought and made sense to do.  I learned to seek the counsel of those I trusted to give me their feedback and suggestions on how best to approach the ideas. A sample of some of the more helpful, realized strategies included:  a) choosing my words carefully with a focus on clarity and non-judgmental language; b) articulating the context and rationale informing the necessity for pursuing new initiatives; c) providing data to inform the decision-making; d) allowing adequate time for those involved to process the information at hand; and e) setting clear guidelines pertaining to opportunities for input and decision-making. 

                Sometimes using different words or providing more background information, or slowing down the rate of progress that I envisioned helped win over some resisters.  I’ve definitely learned – although I typically find that I need to remind myself to slow down – that I move at a very fast pace.  I don’t really understand how my mind works in ways that are different from others.  Trusted colleagues tell me that I absorb information very quickly and that I move at a very fast pace, but that doesn’t necessarily tell me that I need to slow down.  The feedback I received from taking the Myers-Briggs gave me greater perspectives on my pacing and ways of thinking.  I am consistently typed as an INFJ and that type is the rarest type, representing only 1% of the population.  Well, it’s hard to escape the message that being in a 1% category probably means that I see and experience life in ways that most people don’t.  One percent speaks volumes in terms of feedback.

                At some point as I began the process of becoming more self-aware, I zeroed in on the realization that I was more comfortable using my Voice in my professional life than I was in my personal life.  To be specific, I was already using my Voice in graduate school in my mid-to late twenties, and I didn’t start feeling comfortable using my Voice in my more personal life until many years later.  Intuitively, I would have expected comfort with using one’s Voice to have evolved in the opposite order.

                I’d love to know if my order of claiming my Voice was unusual.  When I reflect on this pattern, I realize that as a child growing into adulthood being accepted by my peers was very important to me.  The aging process provided more opportunities to experience life and to realize the importance of making choices that were consistent with what I said I valued.

                Looking back at my childhood home environment, expressing oneself was discouraged; it was a setting in which the adults were clearly in charge and the adage “children were to be seen but not heard” was the unstated rule.  However, particularly in my high school years, asking questions and expressing one’s thinking was not only encouraged, it was expected.  Perhaps this duality contributed to the imbalance of developing Voice.  One of the serious repercussions of childhoods in which expressing oneself is not allowed the child reaches adulthood with very little sense of personal boundaries or preferences.  And if the home environment is constrained financially, children miss out on developing an awareness of possibilities in their lives.

                The combination of pursuing my doctoral degree while teaching full time provided me with the best of both worlds.  I had actual, real life experiences that served as a reference for me as I was learning the theories and reading the studies related to helping people learn.  My natural curiosity and passionate interest in learning supported by faculty who encouraged questioning and exploration gave me multiple occasions to begin developing my knowledge and resulting confidence about what I was “knowing.”

                So I clearly had more knowledge and practice in using my Voice in settings related to my professional work.  And even though my use of my Voice professionally made me vulnerable at times, my commitment to the importance of speaking up and my becoming more self-aware of how my messaging was perceived gave me the courage, strength, and resilience to continue to use my Voice. Basically, I had more tools at my disposal to help protect me from harm for expressing my views.

                Claiming my Voice in my more personal interactions has been a very slow process.  The process of identifying what I needed and wanted in close relationships took many years to develop.  As I gained clarity in that area, it was easier to figure out and honor appropriate boundaries.  Developing a meditation practice coupled with pursuing spiritual practices about living with compassion provided very powerful ways to think and feel       the impact of using my Voice in personal settings. 

                I can’t stress enough the important roles that developing more self-acceptance and self-compassion play in learning to be comfortable in expressing my thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc.  Recognizing that I am not perfect without simultaneously beating myself up allows me to learn from my mistakes and to continue to engage in ways in which I am more willing to share my True Self.  As these components began to fall into place, I was not only more willing to share with others what I was exploring and experiencing in my inner life, I actually found that I looked forward to doing so.  Yes, I know that others are not necessarily going to share my same enthusiasm for what I value, but I’m less worried about that outcome.  Instead, that realization has made me more grateful and appreciative of those individuals in my life with whom I am able to share more of my True Self.

                Sharing more of my deeper self helps me feel more connected and loved.  Sharing oneself on deeper levels is also an essential part of Still Evolving – by articulating our thoughts and feelings, we gain greater clarity about ourselves and we open the door for others to share deeper parts of themselves as well.