06_30_2019

Value of Creating One’s Own Narrative

If asked how I decide what to write about in one of my Blogs, here’s how I would respond.  I am most energized by writing about an insight or activity that has engaged me in some fruitful way. It might be something that brought me unexpected joy, or led me to new insights, or awoke a new stream of energy or excitement. 

Based on a year of reading and researching information on aging well, I am in the process of designing a course that will be offered in different venues come this Fall.  While I haven’t finalized a title for the course yet, the subject or focus is on the importance and innate rewards that accompany Writing Your Own Narrative.

As I discuss the idea with interested folks, one of the questions I frequently get asked is, “What is the value of writing your own story?”  It’s a great question, and this Blog will address my rationale for undertaking this project.

First, since I discovered the work of Erik H. Erikson’s work in college, I have found his understanding and insights about our human development across the lifespan to be both insightful and useful in understanding myself.  Erikson was one of the leading figures in the field of psychoanalysis and human development in the twentieth century. 

Up until I learned about Erikson my only reference to human development was dominated by the work of Sigmund Freud.  Freud’s approach to human development was that much of our ability to fully develop as healthy humans was determined in our very early childhood.  From my standpoint, there is a cloud of darkness – maybe a better word is fatalism – connected with Freud’s work.  His work implies that our destiny is determined at a very early age.  I found that depressing which in part explains why I so positively embraced Erikson’s work which is much more encouraging and hopeful about our chances to become fully functioning adults.

Erikson’s work describes eight stages of human development that begin at birth and extend through our final years of late adulthood.  Much like the work of Gail Sheehy’s book, Passages, Erikson describes the primary work or stage of development associated with spans of chronological ages.

The refreshing part of Erikson’s theories is his belief that we have the opportunity to resolve issues that remain unresolved from an earlier stage of our existence in a later stage of life.  Therapy coupled with self-awareness and self-insight are excellent tools that help us  resolve some of our troubling issues so that we can move on to more fully engage in life’s opportunities.

It is worth noting that before Erikson passed away he began exploring a ninth stage of human development; he referred to this last stage as “Gerotranscendence.”   In his book –The Life Cycle Completed: Extended Version with New Chapters on the Ninth Stage of Development – defines the term as a “shift in meta perspective, from a materialistic and rational vision to a more cosmic and transcendent one, normally followed by an increase in life satisfaction.”

One of the observations of both Sheehy’s and Erikson’s work is the lack of differentiation among the years that are classified as Adulthood.  Think about It.  If we view anyone over 21 as an adult, and as we live longer, one could conceivably be in this one Stage of development for more than 70 years. Erikson was gaining more insight about the nuances of aging as he grew older.  I expect that in the next decade, more research will offer greater insight into the aging process of our later years.

Currently we have the benefit of Erikson’s work as he describes the Eighth Stage or later adulthood as the opportunity to develop Wisdom and Insight.  The root of Wisdom is “to see,” and
at this stage of our lives, “we can look back over a long past, and in so doing, help understand our lives and the world we live in.” 

By putting the time and work into Writing Our Own Narratives, we allow ourselves the opportunity to gain more insight into the themes that have helped shape our lives.  Erikson explains the concept well:  “By reviewing our lives as we reach a certain stage in our lives, such a Re-View can help us make more sense of the full course of our lives.”  Great statement!

Much of my other research has focused on doing a deep dive into the emerging research on the importance of developing Self-Compassion.  Having an increasing practice of self-compassion is a necessary lens for looking at our lives with more honesty and humility.  I think the absence of self-compassion is what keeps many of us from actually doing the work of reflecting on our lives. 

As I have been working to assess and deepen my own self-compassion, I find myself paying more attention to the conversations that I have with myself.  From talking with others, I know that I am not unusual in how harshly and critically I judge myself for past mistakes.  Current research suggests that as we deepen our self-compassion, we become more compassionate and accepting of others.  As we begin to accept that all humans – including ourselves – are less than perfect, we can be more accepting of our past and use that learning to help guide us into being better humans.

For us to fully experience the Wisdom and Insights that can come with aging, we have to take ownership of Writing our Own Stories or Narratives.  Most of us have simply accepted stories that others have created about who we are.  We absorb such stories not from books that people write about us, but from the phrases, comments, attitudes that others have showered us with. 

Note, defining our own stories doesn’t mean that we exclude everything that people of have reflected back to us, but it does mean that we don’t accept such feedback as the total picture of who we are.  For example, If at an early age a parent or sibling made comments to you or about you as being too chatty, such a statement could make one very self-conscious about speaking out.  Being a highly verbal child is not a character flaw; it’s actually a gift!

So while one part of writing our own narratives is to go through our life gardens and remove the weeds of throwaway comments, a really positive part of the journey is discovering things about ourselves that we maybe hadn’t fully realized before.

As I’m designing the course, I’m using my own experience as well as research and conversations with others to identify some prompts that can help begin to identify themes in our lives.  For example, one activity suggests that with a cup of tea or a glass of wine, you spend a quiet evening going through each room in your house and noting the objects or artifacts that you have collected over your life.  Ask yourself why you chose these particular items over others and why you have continued to keep them in your life?  Think about what period of your life you acquired these objects?  What is the significance of these objects?  What emotions do they evoke in you?

I actually found myself doing this one evening.  It all started because I had invited a group of people over for dinner, and as I was sitting in my kitchen making a list of what I needed to do, I turned on the light in my curio cabinet and realized how dirty the glass shelves were.  As I set about handling each item as I removed the items so I could clean the glass, I found myself thinking about each one. 

What I learned from this experience is an increased awareness of my proclivity to embrace and hold onto the “joyful” moments in my life!  For me this insight was a great gift and it has led me to continue to ponder why I lean to holding out for joy!  This insight holds significance for me as I grew up in a setting where the adults did not memorialize joyful moments; instead they clung to memories of loss and unhappiness. 

More to come about this project as I continue to research and write.  To say I’m excited about this project is an understatement, and I look forward to sharing some of the work with my readers.

Namaste.