02_14_2021

                Recently I had several occasions that reminded me of the importance of paying attention to my “self-talk.”  I was meeting with a group of women friends via Zoom, and we drifted into a conversation in which we were trying to discern the difference between self-compassion and self-indulgence.

                It was a healthy and helpful discussion, and we were aided by focusing on the three components that Dr. Kristin Neff has identified as key components of self-compassion:

• Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
• Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience; and
• Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems. Self-compassion also enhances rather than undermines motivation.

The conversation led us to the heart of assessing our individual levels of self-compassion: What do conversations with ourselves sound like?  How healthy is our self-talk? 

Think about it.  We all have multiple conversations with ourselves throughout the day.  Maybe we’re making lists of what we want to accomplish.  Other conversations might focus on our mood.  Are we feeling down?  Are we tired?  Are we trying to motivate ourselves to cook a healthy meal?  To vacuum the living room?

Because I have been paying attention to how I talk to myself for some time, I am more conscious of the obvious conversations.  If I accidentally drop a Tupperware container when I’m trying to reach something on a back shelf in the refrigerator, and it spills on the kitchen floor, I have reached a point where I don’t chastise myself. 

Instead, I recognize that it was an accident, and I can clean it up.  Realizing that my self-talk has become less critical over the years gave me pause to realize that work in these areas can and does lead to positive changes in my life. 

That said, I realized that I have more work to do in this area.  While I was having this silent conversation with myself regarding the quality of my self-talk, I realized that I had neglected another area of life experience that can impact how we are feeling about ourselves.

I had a recent exchange with a friend which left me feeling gaslighted and ignored.  The exchange literally left me feeling deflated, and I noticed the next morning that as I set about my day that I had less energy and confidence in myself. 

And then I remembered reading about a phrase in the work of authors Rebecca Walker and Lily Diamond.  There book is an excellent resource if you want to understand more about your own story.  Check it out:  What‘s Your Story: A Journal for Everyday Evolution.

Early on in the book they acknowledge the following:

“We all live with a ‘Board of Directors’ in our lives:  parents; siblings, children, partners – including exes, teachers, spiritual leaders, members of your church, neighbors, friends, and others in our lives.  They all convene at the big, highly polished table in our minds, telling us what to do.  Some messages are quite direct, some are more subtle, and some are confusing, leaving us to guess what message is being conveyed.” 

                Just thinking about the phrase, “Board of Directors,”  I realized that I haven’t ever sat down and considered who I let “seat themselves” on my Board.  Here’s the interesting realization that I came to.  I AM THE ONE WHO SEATS THESE INDIVIDUALS; I AM THE ONE WHO IS LETTING THEM HAVE SUCH INFLUENCE IN MY LIFE. 

                I have given these Board members the power to control how I feel.  Here’s the really scary part.  I think the “story” I have created about their role in my life may even have paved the way for their behavior to have a direct hit on how I feel.  I simply skip the self-talk; I’ve allowed their words, their reactions, and what I perceive as their slights or negative judgments to pierce my sense of self-worth.

                I am having fun trying to decide if there are commonalities among those folks I’ve allowed to take a seat at my Board.  I’m weighing a few insights.  First, I generally perceive them as possessing some competencies that I admire or value.  At the same time, I recognize that they generally present themselves as “being right” or “having the greatest insight” on a given matter.

                For example, I’ve learned to avoid pursuing political or policy discussions with one of my Board members as she is so certain that her view of  issues in these domains is the most informed.  I have come to realize that she seldom has positive things to say about the performance of those in the public limelight. 

                Here’s the value of doing this work for me.  Realizing that I am the one who controls how much someone’s thoughts or opinions impact how I feel.  Yes, it is true that sometimes someone can say or do something that can feel hurtful, but I get to decide how I am going to let that action reside within me.   In the case of the friend that I am describing, there is every sign that her life is out-of-control at the moment, and I’m not certain that she is even registering some of what she says.

                I think it is natural that we appreciate compliments and approval from others.  It is reaffirming when others acknowledge or talents or efforts.  Some of the power that Board members can hold over us is when we feel that they are withholding their approval or even worse, when they are signaling their disapproval. 

                I will continue to work with this image to see what I can learn from how to receive the positive benefits from having a healthy Board while at the same time retaining control over and promoting healthy, positive self-talk.